What?

Nowadays, ever since he told me that he won't be sending me texts and emails/messages, he has started to text me again. But not like spamming me with texts like before. He texts like once a day. Starting from yesterday.

Yesterday, his text said, "Hey, How are you? I hope you are doing well. I'm not sure if I have much effect on you, but don't let it get to you if I did. Cheer up ^^ "

After reading that, I was like, What the hell?? Why are you telling me to cheer up?? Like WHAt?!

But then I got over it. But still. He has no right in saying that -I feel.

And today, his text read: Hey~ how u doing? There are a lot of things I want to say but they seem so inappropriate. So I will just keep them in until u r feeling better to talk. Have a good day.

I was like, *sigh*

Constant messaging..

Today, I just received ANOTHER one of his emails. Saying that, he should of taken advice from others and that he doesn't know who to go to (to talk). He said that he wouldn't blame me if I was to not forgive him but he hopes that I would forgive him coz 'I'm a nice person' that I told him that I was. And that he understood if I didn't forgive him. Also said that, he won't be sending me anymore messages or texts for the next few days -to give me some space and that he knew I was still mad.

I will forgive him, but it's just a matter of time. So I'm sorry. You will have to "suffer" for a bit. Coz it's not easy forgiving someone who's said quite a lot of hurtful stuff to you.

He said...

I saw him yesterday afternoon when I was having lunch with R at like 3pm, in The Plaza. I as in a crappy mood when I was with R, coz H had texted me saying that he had BLOCKED me from MSN. Saying that it was only temporary. And I was like, WTF man?!?! Why would you do that to your friend?? I got really annoyed with that.

And that's when I saw him walking towards us, to where we were sitting, H waved at me as he was walking towards us, and I was like to R in a low voice, "Oh my God, it's H...." and then I did a little wave back at him. And yes, my mood was literally the don't-mess-with-me look. (haha). He said hi to R and then sat down, and asked "Oh, did I come at a wrong time?' and we were like no. He then asked how we were, we were just like good. It was awkward and then he left saying he gotta go. So we were like bye...

Within a few minutes, I received a text from him -I felt annoyed knowing it was from him. He said that he could see how mad I was and that he hoped that I won't hate him for life, and that he's sorry. I mean, yeah, I won't hate him for life, but I just don't want to talk to him right now.... Well more like, until I feel like it.

He said that my "cold look on your face hit harder than the truth you gave me yesterday" (I told him that I wasn't ever gonna like him more than a friend).

Then for the rest of the night, he was like 'spamming' me with his thoughts, saying how he's so sorry and hope for me to forgive him. blah blah. I never replied one of those texts. In a way, they made me MORE angry and pissed of than I already was.

One text said that, he remembered when I told him about G and that he never thought that he'd ever become the person that would be avoiding. Well, it's not that I'm avoiding him. It's more like he's trying to avoid me. So yeah.Whatever.

And today, he sent me a link to his blog on Facebook, (private message) telling me to read it and give hm another chance and to forgive him. It wasn't very long, all it said was that he's wrong, and that I should forgive him and all that all over again.

So yeah... Dunno.. One day I'll talk to him again..

Why??

What? I totally don't get what he is thinking about. I mean, yeah, he likes me, and what? I may not ever like him more than a friend, but that still doesn't give him the right to think like that.

He thinks that the whole world is against him or that they are using him. What kind of person is that?? Just because I don't see him that often and don't talk that often, doesn't mean that I'm avoiding him or that I've changed. Like what the hell man???

Ok. Yeah. Maybe I HAVE slightly been avoiding. Well, not exactly avoiding. More like, he annoyed me so much online and through text, it just made me NOT want to see him. You can't blame me for not wanting to see him. He's fine face-to-face. But when it comes to texting and online, it just gets out of hand. He has his freaking rage at me, gets all agro at me, swears at me -and even if it's not AT me, it's to me anyways. And him doing all that, just pisses me off so fast.

He told me he had a lot on his mind, and so what?? Just coz you have something on your mind, does NOT mean you can go have a freaking rage at the whole world. Just coz people does not text you back, does not mean that they are purposely ignoring you or don't want to talk to you.

Me and H had a talk through this just yesterday, coz he said he wanted to 'clear things out'. Well to be honest, he didn't really clear anything out. He was more like he was just telling me how he felt, blah blah blah. And yeah, I don't exactly see what he had wanted to or tried to clear out.

But then, later that night, he texted me, telling me to text him back when i got home. I didn't read it (coz I didn't see it) and then S texted me, a few seconds later i received a txt from him, saying something like, that I should be home by now. Blah blah blah. I mean, honestly, who does he think he is? He sounds like he's tryna be my boyfriend or that he's like mega clingy. Like he is onto me 24/7 like an over-protective boyfriend. And he should know by now, I like o have my own personal space, and even if he doesn't, he still shouldn't be acting like the way he is/was. Coz that's just really annoying.

I told him that night (last night) that, if we stopped talking, things would just get awkward, considering we haven't communicated for a long time. He wouldn't listen and just said that, he'll find me if and when he is ready. And with that, I got kinda pissed. It's like, why would you say that?? It's not like there's a lot to THINK about and get READY to face me.

He says that the slightest expression or action that I make (towards him), would make it harder for him to let go or whatever. And I'm just like, if that's the way you want, then I'll have to be meaner to you right?

And saying stuff like, how he's the only child, and he doesn't have a lot of friends, and that he thinks (what he's trying to say) that the whole world [of friends] are like using him, or "taking him for granted", coz he likes to put them in first place, whereas they put him in last place, coz he says he actually MAKES the effort to meet up/hang out with them. And I was like (thinking), just because your friends don't meet up with you , when you want to, doesn't mean that they don't give a damn about you.

No one can meet up with someone whenever they get asked to. And he also texted me (a few days ago), asking ho come HE is always the one who has to match my times and it's never ME that matches his times. I was like what the hell man? If you don't want to meet up, then forget it. GOD!!

He pisses me off -BAD TIME! ><

Lust Or Love?

Is this feeling that I have, LUST or LOVE?

I'm just really confused at the moment. I mean I like him, but then I have doubts about him. (Not bad doubts of course). The person I'm talking about is K.

He recently came down to PN. I haven't seen him in like 2 - 3 months. I miss him so much. And now that he is here, I'm wondering whether it is real that I like him more than a friend or not.

I remember the first time that I met him. To me, he was like a person that was scary and didn't like to talk perhaps. Coz when I first meet him through my friends Y and T for lunch, he didn't talk much and looked sort of cold to me.

When Y gave him my number coz she said that he was a bit dodgy and all, and didn't want him to text her, she gave him my number so he'd text me and not her. I was freaked. Coz I didn't know him, and from what she told me, it was sorta of freaky. Considering he was older than us and all.

But when he started teething me, he didn't seem that dodgy at all. But like the slightest thing he'd say to me, I'd feel like "Oh my gosh! dodgy!!" Like I remember when he first texted me saying that his (cellphone) number was similar to mine, I got freaked and was like 'Oh my god. Ew." But if you think about it, he probably didn't mean it that way (dodgy way).

Every time that he texted me, I would be like 'Oh god. It's him again.' And I would never remember him until he texted me. He would never really tell me much about him, whenever I asked questions about him. He seemed like such a mysterious person to me. So I never really knew that much about him.

But just until recently... Or should I say, since about half a year ago, I suddenly remember him all the time, and want to have him texting me.

Throughout the end of last year, we talked a lot (through text and a few phone calls from him) and hung out with him when he was on his usual monthly visits to PN. It was always great to see him and every time we hang out, was always a great memory, in some sort of way. And even on Christmas we sent each other presents and also for his birthday in February, I got him a present from Hong Kong when I went in January. He said he loved it. And of course, I was happy about that =)

Now that we are getting closer, and he has sort of opened up to me. Like I know some things about him. I've met his parents, I know that he has an older sister who's married and is living in Auckland, I know where is house is and I guess I know some other minor stuff. But seriously, he's not as bad as people said he was. That he's a creepy/dodgy old perverted man.

So right now, I'm glad that I trusted my own gut, and I'm glad that I'm not the type of person who, listens to what tother people say and take their word for it without considering, whether it's true or not, or giving that person a chance and getting to know that person instead. I'm soo glad I got to know K instead of just straight up ignoring him like Y would.

So now the question is, do I like K or do I just find him 'new', considering the fact that I hardly see and talk to him? I miss him and I always want to see him (whenever he is in PN) and want to talk or be texting him.

Lust or Love guys???

Mixed Feelings

So, I've had this inside me for a very long time.. You know, R and I have gotten close lately. Considering I go to his place like everyday during the Semester, coz my parents doesn't know that I don't have class and I don't want them to know, coz I don't want them to keep nagging me about slacking and all. So I decided going to his place to go on Facebook and watching dramas was the best option.

So we like see each other everyday, and I sorta got sick of him by the time Semester break arrived (which is now). But like, now that it is our holiday, I don't see him as often (which I think is a good thing, so we don't get TOO close), like I miss him and all. When I finally get t see him, I feel happy and all. But once I see him so many times a week, I get so sick of seeing him.

He makes me smiles deep down and all. But like.. somehow, there is SOMETHING that seems to stop me every time. Like I suddenly decide maybe he's good for me, and I should go out with him and all. And then the next thing I know is that I don't want to, because there might be some other guy whose better for me or whatever.

Man, I'm so confused. Maybe I like him, but not enough. I THINK I have a feeling that he likes me, so I have to do my best to try and NOT lead him on too much. I don't want to break his heart.

So the question is, do I really want to be with him, or am I just highly confused about what I REALLY want??

Things So Far

So I haven't written here for a very long time. Sorry. I keep forgetting. Well I guess quite a lot has been happening, so I guess maybe this will be one long blog or maybe I will split this blog to two parts. Mmmm..

Hmmm! Where should I start? Umm.. Well. Ok. Let's start with the fact the I'm over K2. Well I thought that I wouldn't get over him coz he's such a 'perfect' guy. Everytime I see him, it's like "Oh. My dream guy. I need someone like him." But then after a while, I just forget about him, and not like all over him. But I will always remember him for taking me home, from alllll the way from Wellington back to Palmy. *Thanks K2!*

Next thing, Hmm.. is probably.. that I have FINALLY got a job. No. make it TWO jobs. At Mcds and Rubi Shoes (and at Cotton on). Yeah. Ilove working at Mcds. It's so fun. And the first day that I worked there (not the training bit), I hadn't got my full uniform yet, so I had to work at the back, not the counter, and this hot maori guy had to train me at the back, cooking patties and nuggets and what not. He's so nice and talkative. I like that. He's so cool. But the I found out that he was actaully TWO years YOUNGER than me! o_o and I was like aww!! That sucks bad! =( Time to find a new target. *Sigh* But then I went back a couple of days later to Mcds for breakfast and he was working there, and man. I don't think I can resist him.. yet. So now i kinda hope that i can work at the front next time so I don't have to drool over a younger guy but then again, I do want to drool over him. Oh. Life sucks. haha.


And with working at Rubi Shoes, well I haven't quite yet started working there. But I have my first shift this Friday, from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. but the thing is, I gotta go back to my parents shop to work. And the last bus back to my parents shop is at 6 p.m. and on a Friday BOTH places (Rubi Shoes & my parents shop) are busy. So I dunno. Hopefully I can get my manager to let me leave at 5 p.m. so I can catch the 5.25 p.m. bus back to my parents place >< *fingers crossed*


And ANOTHER (big) problem is that, next month on the 4th I'm going to HK, and I don't really want to, coz I have pretty much started both of my jobs, and there you, probably, less than a month, and I'm outta here for 2 weeks. I feel so bad and not good.. I'm sure Mcds will be OK with it. It's just Rubi Shoes. I hope they're OK with it. Coz in a way, I'm ready for them to end the contract after it finishes (duh) coz I don't want to work there as a casual. And then again, I want to stay there coz it's been like my dream to work at a retail store. So.... I dunno. Let's just see how it all goes. Maybe my mum will be right about how they will let me stay if they see how I worked hard enough and all. But yeah. I want to see if they let me change it to part-time not a casual job -IF they let me stay and extend my contract that is.

Oh yeah. And so I did well in my exams. But obviously a big fat E for my physical geography. Yup. I knew that was coming (haha). But that's OK. As long as I passed my other papers.


OH! And can't forget about this great news!! Me and my two girls went to watch Twilight saga: NEW MOON yesterday! OMG! it was soooo awesome! Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) was sooooo freakin' hot!!! It's like *DROOL* @___@ I love him soo much. He's like my dream/ideal man. OMGOSH!!! Love him! And yes. He is only 17. *sigh* Once again, younger than me. Oh what a shame (haha).

Hmmm.. Next thing. Errr... I need to go christmas shopping. Oh crap! And I still need to re-enrol for uni and studylink. Oh crud. Maybe I will go shopping tomorrow? Aw! I dunno. Life's so complicated right now (haha). It's so hard buying a gift for a guy. Considering how many guy friends I have ><>