Ups & Downs

Yeah, so I haven't been writing  in the blog for ages. Mainly it's cos sometimes I just can't be bothered (haha) and I've been pretty busy with work and studies -oh and how can we forget, busy with life complications in general :/ I should really be doing my essays at this point, but I really can't be bothered and I can't seem to get all these feelings and thoughts off my mind :/ I think I officially have over-thinking-syndrome haha!


Let's start off with work.


Well it's going fine. I'm made to be a 2IC permanently, and the pay is OK -I wouldn't say good. The staff are nice and friendly and easy to get along with. Although sometimes you just can't be bothered with them. Customers are same old. There are rude ones and kind ones. Business isn't so busy lately but during the weekend it is. And we're getting in some pretty awesome stock lately! But I need to save... Cos I'm FINALLY planning on taking driving lessons and buying a car! But we'll see whether that happens or not!


With life, it's all OK. just two more papers to go for this year and I'm all done for uni! I can't wait til I get outta here and graduate -finally!! My plan is to move out and live in AKL as the beautician course that I'm planning on doing is there, and at the same time, my man lives and works there and so does a few of my relatives and close friends so it would be good to move there. Then again, the stupid traffic there is pretty hectic and I wouldn't really want to go out in that craziness without a tour guide! Haha. But I'm sure I'd get use to it if I live there for a long time. Which now leads me to my love life!


Everything is going fine with me and K. We've had a great Christmas together with friends at Foxton Beach and had a great Valentines Day together and I even got to spend two weeks in AKL with him to celebrate Valentine's Day and his birthday! This year with him, has been great so far! But there are definitely some low lights in this relationship! 


Sometimes, I feel that he doesn't care or love me that much. I feel that from the beginning of our relationship to now, I feel that there is a huge gap of love and care from him. At the start of the relationship, he was ever so caring towards me and it seemed like he couldn't live without me -OK maybe I'm over exaggerating a bit too much but you know, somewhere along those lines anyways. And now, maybe it's cos he's use to the whole 'distant relationship' thing, he doesn't really care? I know that it's always at the beginning of the relationship, both sides are all lovey-dovey towards each other and that love-dovey-ness will soon die out slowly. Which is what is happening in my case as well. 


I can feel that he loves and cares for me at times, but sometimes, I get this real "cold" vibe from him. Like suddenly you feel that you're no longer his girlfriend, or that he is somehow distancing himself away from you. This gotta be the worse feeling to ever have when you're in a relationship! It's either that or that it feels like that  he doesn't seem to be putting me in his #1 spot. I know this sounds very selfish and greedy but you know, I just want to be number one in his heart. I know his family will always be number one. But honestly. besides them, it feels like I'm last on the list from all the other stuff.


Yesterday I asked if he could book me a flight to AKL for my cousin's graduation. He didn't really respond with a yes or no. Before, around the beginning of our relationship, he would say "Yes!" straight away and actually go do it! Now? He sorta just let it go... Did his own stuff and THEN went to check online or attempt to go buy it at the end of the night. And the result? It got sold out. Now there are not only no cheap tickets, there are absolutely no flights available on that day!!! That got me so angry!!! I don't know why he is like this, but it feels like, my stuff just doesn't seem important to him, or that if things have got nothing to do with him or involving him, he just won't give a damn about it. 


It's quite depressing.....


Maybe I need to learn not to depend on him so much now. I use to rely on myself, but I thought having another half, would help out. But I guess I was wrong. 


He's honestly a very good guy and all. But pretty much 99% of the time, I have no idea what he is thinking about and what he is doing. I mean I obviously don't need him to report back to me every 5mins or something. Just once in a while will do. I want to know how he feels, it seems to me, that I'm the emotional one in this relationship, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I keep expressing to him how I feel, but I never really get a response out of him. He says he loves me and he misses me heaps but I honestly don't know whether he is just saying it and not actually meaning it...... It's very unfair to think like that. He may indeed be dying inside and not telling it to anyone, but really? I'm your girlfriend. I'm not going to laugh at you or look down on you just cos you've expressed your deepest thoughts or feelings!


I don't know. Maybe this is just how guys are. Refusing to speak out about their feelings and all. 


I feel tired enough as I am. I think it is time for me to stop trying so much in this relationship. Stop putting him first in my mind... Although he'll always be first in my mind... But I gotta be like him, and not show it. I gotta let things fall into place, I guess.... I really do hope this relationship will last... I really do...