Reality..

You can't believe what happened this morning, at about 12.30 am. It totally opened my eyes! It goes like this.My guy best friend was taking me home that night from University, as I was still working on my assignments and my older sister could not take me home on that Wednesday. As he was driving, we were talking very happily, full of laughs and all, it was also a pretty cold night. He made a joke when I told him to take the bus route. He started to stop at like every bus stop at the Uni bus stops.

But, after his second stop, a few seconds later, he told me there was a behind us, that had crash or something and I thought that he was joking -again. So I didn't turn around to see. But when I finally realized that he wasn't joking and was serious, I turned around to see. When I turned around, though I couldn't see much as the back windows were kinda fogged up, I still could see a car with its

headlights on, but I wasn't exactly sure whether what had actually happened.

When my guy best friend asked me whether we should go and help them, I was like 'er... sure?' When he had turned around, I could sort of clearly see the car that had been flipped over. I was really panicky, as this was the first time that I had experienced or at least witnessed such a scene. When we both got out of the

car, we went over to that flipped over

car. We saw that the car was flipped against a tree and was leaning on it.

To our relief, there was only one guy in the car. the first thing I heard him say was "F***."A few seconds after we were at the scene, some other people came from a building nearby on the campus. We all tried to help that guy out of his car. When he got out, he just kept repeating "F***" and said something about how his parents are going to kill him.

But that wasn't the point. Yes. He was very lucky to be still alive, but the thing was that

the passengers side was like totally demolished. If he had a friend there or his girlfriend or

just anyone sitting on that side. That certain person would've been dead. When I thought about it.. I thought about, if that was me, I would've been dead. I would never ever be able to see all my good friends and my family again. I would have never been able to say my last goodbye's

to anyone. I would not be able to hand in the essays that I have spent all my time and hard work doing. T

here will be many things that I would have never been able to do if it were me as the passenger. But most of all, if the driver was my guy best friend, I know that he would live

in regret and guilt for life, if he knew that he was the one that had killed me in the crash -because of him. And you know what? That is not what I want. I know that he will be guilty, sad, full of regret, blame himself and everything. If that were to happen. I do hope that he will not blame himself too harshly. I will not hold a grudge against him and I will forgive him. But I hope that day will never come. Coz I know that he is a safe driver.

Now, I'm just kinda scared when people drive fast. I think about the car, and how badly damaged it was, and how, if there were a passenger, that person would've died, and I don't know how I would've reacted to death, if I saw it that night.. It kind of put me into reality. Somehow, it had made me very feel very traumatized and scared. My guy best friend kept saying how he didn't know what to do if that was me in the passenger seat and I agree with him.

I just want everybody to know, that you should never drive fast. Slow down and drive carefully. Unless you want to lose someone you love or want them to live life miserably coz you have died from a car crash (you the driver) then you have no need to drive carefully and safely.

Take care everyone.

gOod FriendZ

I think this year has been a pretty good year so far. I have made some good friends. And me and my guy best friend have gone back to being very close friends again! I am so happy about that! xD 

So far, I have three very close friends at University.We hang out for the whole day on Wednesdays after 12 p.m. and sometimes we will hang out not together in a group. But it's still fun. It's like two girls and two guys. And that just adds to the fun of it. Coz we are all very.. communicative people! haha. We all communicate very well together. And it's all laughs and smiles! I love them!

Sometimes, we can talk about anything to each other, and we can be real honest with each other without feeling really bad for saying it to them. And that's what i like about them!

I have so much to say about them! But right now, I dunno how to say it, and all of it has just disappeared out of my brain! haha.

I'll tell you some other time! xD

Stuff...?

.. It seems that it's been a long time since I have blogged.. haha. I'll try keep this short and simple hehe.

Well.. not a lot has been happening in my life. Just been real busy with all my assignments and essays. Gosh. it' s so much hard work man. I hope I will get a good grade for spending so much hard work on this.. 

I haven't been sleeping an awful lot lately either. So right now, I am very sleepy and tired... = _ = zZz

I feel so wasted.. I do hope that I will NOT get sick during or after all this. Or that will so not be good. >.<>

Besides all that school stress. The other thing that has been on my mind is that guy who asked me out. I was thinking.. Since he has a badminton tournament.. Maybe that is when I should text him, just to wish him luck? Seeing as I haven't talked to him since that day he asked me out. Hmm... Should I? I dunno. I dunno what to say to him after that though.. 

Well, we'll see then! =)

Also heard that he hasn't been concentrating well on his studies and badminton. I kinda feel like it's partly my fault, coz he said that he's feeling like this, is because the girl he asked out hasn't replied to him yet. But then again, I must say it was his fault for not thinking before he asked.. I mean has he ever thought about what is going to happen to the friendship after he asks such question and says such words?! *sigh* I dunno. That's why I'm thinking whether I should text him when he has his badminton tournament next month... *sigh*

But on the bright side! Me and my guy best friend are now getting pretty close -like the way we were last year! =D I'm really happy about that. Coz I know he is the one that will always be there for me -whether he still like me 'that way' or not. But it would be good if he didn't like me that way, coz then I could tell him everything including 'guy problems' without feeling bad for talking about another guy to him and making him feel crap. I don't mind him liking me 'that way'. I just want him to not show it.. I guess? If you know what I mean.. 

What shOuld I dO??

After that guy friend of mine asked me out and told me that he loved me.. I don't know what to do.. Somehow.. it feels so awkward.. I haven't talked to him since then. I haven't replied to his texts, his comments on my homepage/s. I just don't even want to talk to him or see him right now. I don't even want to see pictures/photos of him or like the sound of his name when people talk about him.. And I don't know how long I can keep this up. I know this is unfair to him (in a way), But I seriously don't know what to do. 

I don't want to lose him as a friend. But it just feels so weird now.. like i feel that if I talk to him, that means I have to tell him the answer (as I haven't told him yet), and I don't want to hurt him or make it any more awkward than it is already.. *sigh* And the only person that knows about this is my guy best friend. And he has promised not to tell anyone (coz it's not 

something that I'd want everybody to know). 

Can somebody tell me what I should do??

How can I face this guy anymore?!?!

And the fact that he is my sister's ball partner!! oh my God.. 

My Guy BeSt frienD ♡

I don't think that me and my guy best friend has ever hung out for more than one hour when we do see each other/hang out with the group. BUT! Recently, me and him hung out at his place on Wednesday night, right after he kindly helped me with my geography essay! (Which I'm relieved to say, it's over! -for now.. *phew*). We were actually planning to go to town and have dinner, but we ended up having dinner at his pace. I must say, even though it wasn't what I usually eat and some people may think it doesn't look like a very appealing dinner. I still ate what I was given. I mean food is food. I LOVE food!! haha. And plus, it was good and filling. 

Anyways! Besides that, we had a great talk. We talked heaps. Random things, our friends, family etc. But the one thing that we (kinda) talked about was when that guy friend of mine asked me out.. I didn't know whether to tell him or not, coz of all the things I've heard about him. telling people lies (like changing what other people tell him or saying things that a certain person has never said). In a way, I didn't want to believe what people say.. coz me and him have bin real tight and he (I HOPE!) has never lied to me. But what they have said, SOME is kind of true.. 

So I wasn't sure whether I should tell him about that guy asking me out and what was keeping me in shock and all. But in the end, I told him. It was very hard to get out.. =( Even though he couldn't really  help me in any way, besides telling me that it was going to be alright and that I can tell/face that guy whenever I'm ready. He was pretty much there for me, telling me  that if I needed someone to talk to, about that guy, then he'll be there for me -seeing as he IS the only one who knows.

After that night, I felt that me and his friendship has been re-connected, to how we were last year. And like I said before in the last blog about him. I know that I NEVER EVER want to lose a friend like him. He can be an idiot, totally random and wierd at times. But I guess, that is the part of him that keeps our friendship alive and how we can talk about anything. Though sometimes, I gotta think about whether I should tell him or not.. coz of those 'rumors'. BUT! obviously, I DO want to trust him and hope that he will NEVER lie to me. Coz I really, really want him to be the one friend, that I can honestly talk to him about anything, without him telling other people.. 

I hope that we'll be best/close friends forever!! ^O^~

The 'QuestiOn'

I cannot believe what just happened today..

A friend of mine -who's a guy.. just asked me out today... he ASKED ME OUT!!!!! oh my God!

I don't know what to do.. I'm so confused and frustrated right now..

He asked me out... He said pretty quietly, "******, Do you wana go out with me?", and then I just straight up responded him with, "Serious?!?!", and he nodded... and then I looked at him, and then, oh my god, you would've never had guessed what he said next...! He straight up said to me, "I Love You". OH MY GOD!!! HE said those three words. It made me freeze. Right there. I didn't know 

what to say, besides, "umm... uh... mm..." and looking everywhere around me, everything -but him. Then I ended up saying, "Oh, I dunno..." >O<;

SchOol - geO

Man I hate geography right now.. so fustrating... My first essay submission was a total failure.. and the lecturer even wrote down on the comments section, "a disappointing first submission..."
I felt so crap.. =(
And now.. all I'm trying to do is read, read, read and do more reading from my geography textbook and all those other books I've borrowed from the library. I can't seem to focus on the books, and I always zone out.. I really want to write and improve my essay, but it doesn't seem to be working... I want to show the lecturer that I can do it, and I just feel like such a failure when I found out what my result/comment was, knowing that I've pretty much have let her down... =(

WELL! all I gotta do now, is to try my best! And to go with the flow, and obviously, concentrate on the essay and FOCUS!!!

Good luck to me... 

fOrgOttOn lOve

I think i have forgotten how to love someone -truly. As in, the feeling when a girl (or guy), has a crush (or those little feelings) on someone and htey think about that 'special someone' like everyday and doodles on their cooks whenever they can, writing their names and linking them to their 'special someone's' name together like: S.J 4 H.K. and all those other stuff.

I don't know where all those 'love' feelings of mine have gone... I don't seem to have a crush for any guy for the past few years. after that traumatic 'relationship' I had in October/November 2007 to January (-May) 2008 with a certain guy.. After him. I don't think that I have ever had those 'like/love' feelings for anyone, anymore...

Maybe it's coz of the fact that after what that guy did to me during that time i sorta had a 'relationship' with that guy, and how much he hurt me, when I loved(?) him so much.. I thought he was the nicest and coolest guy I've ever met... but apparently not. At the end of January I found out a lot of bad things about him -including that the fact that he smokes and is a heavy-as drinker and had done drugs while I was away in Auckland in January. I also found out that he had cheated on me, used me, lied to me etc. (though we were never a actual couple) but still.. we had something going on, and all our friends knew, even thought we kept denying that we were more than friends -but not going out..

Maybe it's coz of him that I have forgotten how to love another guy. Coz after that depressing year, I have never actually, fully liked or loved (or had a crush) on any other guy. I can't believe I've just figured that out today! I guess maybe it was the after effect that it gave me? I mean I sill know what love is and everything (I think), but the thing is, with all the guy friends that I've had so far, I've never ever had a crush or the tiniest liking of them. It's either that i treat them as a friend or a (younger or older) brother... 

WHY?! I want a boyf.. but then again, having one isn't important to me. Even when I find out that guys like me, I just don't seem to like them back. It's either coz the fact that i don't have any feelings in return for them, or that I only treat them as a (younger or older) brother or that I will NEVER EVER like them the way they like me and that it will NEVER work out, no matter what.. I mean, no. I still like guys and all. But it just seems to me that I haven't liked or had those little feelings for a guy in like ageeeesss!! hmm.. I wonder what is wrong with me? Do i seriously have problems?

or am I just totally put off guys (so far/for now) coz of that last 'relationship' I had? Or that I REEEAALLLY want to concentrate on my studies?

What Happened (Part 2)

So as I said before in the  last blog, that I have been feeling that me and one of my closest guy friends have been drifting apart.

I don't know why. But it feels that we aren't as close  as we use to be. We talked about out it at one point. Like last week on Wednesday night. He told me that he felt that I had changed. Pretty much straight after I had come back from Hong Kong. But I haven't!! i don't know why he said that. But then again, when I think about it.. I HAVEN'T changed at all (maybe a few minor bits but not fully), but what I realized was that I did not want to (once again) be too close to him. coz I know that if I did. Then it would be harder for both of us. For him, coz then he'll never find another chick who would actually love him  in return (unlike me) and for me, it would be hard for me to tell him that i hang out with guys a lot and that if I do later on in the future, have a boyf, it would be hard for him to take in.

He also said that  sometimes whenever our group is going to hang out, he wishes that i wasn't there, coz he didn't want his appearance/presence to ruin my day. And he thought that he was losing one of his closest girl mates. But I never thought of it like that. I've always thought that we were friends. Maybe not as close as we were last year. But I've always had in mind that we were still friends. 

And recently... I've come to the realization that I really! cannot trust his words. I dunno. Maybe it's coz he doesn't want to tell the truth or that he feels pressured to not let me (or others) know the truth [about anything]. I have to THINK TWICE, whenever he tells me something and when  I want to know something from him. I just find it really hard to communicate with him sometimes. Especially when I'm serious about wanting to know about something and he tells a lie... But then again.. he might not be telling a lie.. or that.. I dunno. I just cannot seem to trust him these days...

I feel mean when I give him the 'cold shoulders'. But I just feel sooo annoyed when I KNOW that he is telling a big, fat lie right in-front of my face! (or to someone else's). I want to trust him. But I gotta trust my gut feeling/s. It tells me to not trust him -fully. Either way. I know that I have to think carefully before believing in what he tells me and says to me. But I know that, no matter what, he will always be my good friend, and that I will always be there for him, and care for him and help him whenever he needs it, not matter how much of a 'loser/liar' he is. Coz that's what [real] friends are for...

What happened?

I have something i cannot figure out... I have a guy friend, who I have known for about a year. We were pretty close last year, but then during the end of last year, i decided to distance myslef from him. Why? coz of the fact that he has liked me from Day 1 and will not give up. I know that he has the right to love me and do whatever he wants. But the thing is.. I'm tired of people saying bad things about me, such as, me using him -when I'm not! and that I'm being mean to him coz he likes me for so long and that they don't understand why I don't like him when he does so many things just for me. He made me laugh whenever i was sad or upset about something. I could talk to him if I needed to, and at the same point, he could tell me anything and trusted me enough to tell me pretty  much everything. And I treasured that. 

I don't know why I do not love him the way he loves me. But all I know is that I don't want him to carry on loving me as that it'll only hurt his feelings, the longer he loves me. So during the last few months of last year. I tried avoiding him, made excuses when he wanted to meet up with me etc. But in Spetember, something tragic happened to him.. his father passed away.. and that was the time I was trying to avoid him etc. I did sympathize for him. Thought the sad thing was I didn't know when the funeral service thingy was.. coz no one told me.. and after that, many people asked me why, ouot of all his friend, I, didn't go to his dad's funeral. I felt really bad =(

So during that time, he got close to one of my friends, Autumn*. Though me and Autumn were not very close, we still talked at school and everything. But when Autumn and my guy friend got close, and people saw them together in town a lot, peopele thought that they had something going on. All my firends told me about it... (also during this time I was really sick) as I didn't go to town very often.. obviously I didn't care what they were doing. But many of them would ask "Oh, so are they going out?" and many other hurtful things about/to me and Autumn.

At the end of the year, Autumn had to go to Wellington, as she ws going to the Uni there. And somehow, for the first time in about 3 months, i hung with my guy friend. I guess, in a way, we did have a lot to talk about... I don't really rememeber whether it was awkward or not... but I'm sure it wasn't, seeing as he like to talk.. (haha).
And so during those past few months, I guess you could say that we ended up hanging out a lot and talking through out past 3 months, of what had happened etc.

But then at the end of January, I went to Hong Kong for about 3 weeks. Afterwards, he told me how he was scared that I would have changed, like the way his friend's friend had changed towards him when she came back from her country. And I was obviously the same person. From then on, we did hang out for a bit. Then Uni was about to start for me. Somehow, I wanted to do what i had wanted to do last year during those last 3 months.. I just didn't want him to keep liking me, now that we go to Uni, I wanted to make a fresh start and not like me anymore.

So far, we have talked pretty much eveery week. And last week, was probably the week that we've hung out and seen each other the most. I felt that maybe I was kinda losing this close friendship with him...
But during that week (last week) I felt that it was great to be his close friend again ('knowing' that he doesn't have those feelings for me anymore).

To be Cont..

*Names have been Changed