Hurtful wOrds

Why is it that me and G always the  ones having fights and arguments? WHY?! I've tried so hard to stop them from happening. But no. It seems like he is the one who keeps starting the arguments and fights. I don't want to blame him. But I'm starting to see what kind of person he really is. I don' t want to think of him that way. But.. It's had for me to not think like that after all those hurtful words he said to me. I will NEVER EVER forget them.

It all started yesterday afternoon. He told me that morning that he had something to tell me. So he texted me and asked me if I was free at 1 p.m. I said I was. We both knew that he had a class at 1 p.m. But he insisted that he wanted to talk to me instead. So when we finally saw each other in the computer lab, he never mentioned a single word to me about what he had wanted to tell me. maybe it was because of the fact that my friend S was here with me as well. But that shouldn't stop him from telling me what he had wanted to tell me! I mean he could've took me aside and told me. But no! That's not what  he was thinking. He blamed it on me saying that when he 'tried to lead into' what he was trying to tell me, I had turned around and said that I was not listening. It never came to me that, that was what he was trying to tell me. I thought he was talking about S's situation so I didn't pay much attention to him. When he did sort of talk about himself, S had already walked in the room. So would he of carried on with it or not? I doubt he would. 

When it was time for him to go to his next class at 2 p.m. He left saying bye  to both me and S. It never came to me that he was upset (at me). He texted me a few minutes later saying that I never asked him about it. It was going fine until.. I dunno. He just started to get all mad at me. saying hurtful things to me. It really sounded like he was blaming ME for not asking him about what he had 

wanted to tell me! I mean what the hell is up with that?! If he wants to tell me something, he's got to be the one that brings it up. He said he was leading into it (just as S came in). But he said that I had turned around and didn't want to  listen. He then said (texted) these exact words, 'I wagged class to meet u and tell you. Now. It's dumb. So shut up and f*** up.' I told him that he could not blame me entirely and to not get all angry at me. He then replied, 'Just f*** off Q. I am tired of this. Am sick of your games. I don't want you anymore. I been nice to you. And now I am snappy. I will never understand you. Leave me alone. I had enough.' I never texted him back after that. He doesn't realize how he just told me to f*** up and shut up and then telling me to f*** off.

We both haven't talked to each other since. I was really angry and pissed of at him. He had blamed EVERYTHING on me. Even for the things that weren't the cause of this argument/fight. He thinks I'm playing games with him? What the f*** man. I don't have time for that s***. And saying that he has been nice to me, means that I haven't been nice to him or something! Telling me to lave him alone and all. Fine. I will. 

After all this, I have a very good idea of what kind of person he really is. He is: selfish, arrogant, persistent, inconsiderate and a person that never takes the blame coz it's always that person's fault! I don't think he regrets a SINGLE word that he has said to me that day. He never thinks about the consequences. Like when he deleted my cellphone number from his phone just coz he was pissed at me and that it was his 'way' of forgetting about me. He said that he will never delete my number from his phone again. We'll see if he does or not. 

All I know now is that, I do not want to see or talk to him. I don't want to be angry or mad at him. But this is all because of him. I do take it that SOME things are my fault. But this time. It is certainly not my fault and I am not taking the blame for it and I am not giving in to him. I will say 'hi' and everything to him so people don;t need to suspect that we're not on good terms at the moment. But hanging out with him, is another story. I don't know whether we are still friends or not, as he told me to 'leave him alone', to 'f*** off' and to 'shut up and f*** up'. But I guess that is all up to him now. Coz I give on all this. I cannot take it any longer myself. It doesn't matter to me anymore this friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend, coz as a friend, he is very fun to be around with. I think the thing that breaks our friendship is the word 'love'. This has mostly been the cause of our fight and arguments. 

So now I know what my final answer is to the question that he has always wanted t know. 'Do we have a chance of going out?' The answer is very clear to me now. It is: NO. I don't want to be with someone like him. He's all good when we are just (good) friends. But more than that? I don't think I would be able to handle that. Sorry. I still care a lot about him, I think about him a lot. But... I know that we can only be friends.

I just want to be good friends with him. So yes. He can finally give up on me and find someone else. Someone who would have a clearer idea of whether they want to go out with him or not. Coz with me? It's never gonna work out between me and him. We only work good together as good friends. And good friends only. Nothing else. I hope that we will work past this soon. I don't want to be ignoring him and everything. Though that is my plan until he gives me good enough reasons on why he got so angry and mad at me and (hinting) that everything is MY fault.

Good luck to us.

lOsing a Friend...

I never thought that I'd ever lose another friend after i lost Jh (as a friend). But last night, it was like history repeating itself for me. Something that I'd never thought would happen to me again...

Me and my good friend G we hanging out together last night. We were walking and talking from uni to town. When we were nearly in town our argument started and as we got into town we were pretty much on the not-talking-to-each-other mode. 

It all started when he told me why he had deleted my number. The reason for it was that he wanted to forget about me and so he deleted my number so he wouldn't have the urge to text, call or contact me in any way. But to me, it sounded like he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I mean it's like if u delete someone's number and you don't want to contact them (first), it gives you the feeling that maybe they don't want to be friends with you anymore, right? Well that's how i felt and got angry/upset about.

Then as we argued a bit more about my point of view and his point of view. Then somehow we ended up telling each other how we TRUELY felt about each other and everything and I don't know. I think things got a bit awkward between us or something and all I wanted to do then, was to be left alone and think. Coz that moment, a million little things was running through my head, he thought I didn't talk much was coz I was mad at him. I was. But that wasn't one of the main reasons that I wasn't talking though.

In the end, he walked off and I thought he walked off without saying 'bye' so I thought maybe our friendship is over. Then after like 10 - 20 minutes I decided I would text him for the very last time, to thank him for walking me home and for everything that he has done for me and with me. he replied with a similar text buh at the end, he asked if he could have his jacket back. I had to reply to him so he wouldn't think that I was gonna keep his jacket or something. I also texted along with the second text that 'it's like history is repeating for me again'. And that's when he rang me but I had low battery so he had to wait until I got home as I was at my sisters' flat. 

When I got home, it took me a while to think whether I should text him that I'm home, coz if I don't he will think that, you know, it was my fault for not texting him and all. So in the end, I texted him and within a few  seconds, he rang me. 

Overall, we talked for 1 hour and 37 minutes and 54 seconds. We both went to bed at like 1.30 am.We talked soo much. It was hard for me (and him) to talk at first, as I think it was a bit awkward. But then we started to open up slowly and expressed our true feelings to each other. We became good friends again. We both thought the same thing. He thought that I didn't want to be friends anymore and I thought exactly the same. But now we are all good! =) I'm very happy about that. so glad that we didn't end up being not friends!  

We both hope and want to be friends forever! Coz we think it would be better that way.

i dOn`t need a man?

Once again I have not been blogging in ages. That's because I don't have enough time and when I do, there is always someone near me so I don't feel comfortable blogging when they are around.. hehe ^^

Anyways. News is that J is going out with the Korean girl that he hooked up with, at his party and where she said that he was the one who took advantage of her even though it was her that went in first. But then the next day they decided that they should go out and 'give it a go'. (What the hell is up with that?!)

I also heard from my little sister that J said to her that him and G isn't really friends anymore and his girlfriend told my little sister that he doesn't like him or something and she won't tell my sister the reasons why he doesn't like (or hate) G. I really want to know. I've tried subtly making him tell me but obviously, he's good with making 'excuses'. 

The thing is everybody knows that J still likes me and he had told me on the night of the party (after his now-girlfriend went home). Then about three weeks later, J tells me and I asked him whether he still likes me or not, and he said no. So when I told my friend, she believed that he was lying. But when you think about it. I think he is lying. Coz how can you say that you still like someone and then the next day, BOOM. Your with someone else?! I don't see how that works. But that doesn't really matter I guess. As long as we're still good friends, then I'm happy.

But the thing is. Sometimes I think I want to have a boyfriend, just to get back at him. I dunno why. Maybe it's coz I want him to be jealous? Or is it coz I want to know whether he still likes me or not? Hmmm... I don't know. I kind of do want a boyfriend. And I kind of don't... What's happening to me?! what am I thinking?! Am I jealous? Nope. I don't think so. Coz I don't see him more than a friend. But sometimes, I feel that maybe I 'want' to go out with G, just to make J jealous. But honestly, do I? If I did do that, I would hurt G, and I wouldn't know how to get out of the relationship if we started one... So maybe... I'll just leave it as it is. I don't want to do something I'd regret later on and I most certainly do not want to hurt anyone, including myself. I do like G, but I am not so sure on whether I do want to go out with him and take things seriously to the next level of our friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend if I hurt him when I have realized that, this is not what I want.

Irritated...

Recently, I have been feeling sort of irritated by a certain someone. And yes. It is that black guy friend of mine. He irritates me so much sometimes. I mean yeah, I now know clearly that he likes me and all, But he gets so angry at times and I dunno! It seems like he is the one that picks all these arguments with me all the time! I'm so freaking pissed off at him! I want to just ignore him, but then it'd like he makes it look like it's my fault! I mean what the hell did I do now?! 

I don't want to fight or have these arguments with him, But it's like HE'S the one that start most of it. When I say that I don't want to talk about it anymore, he keeps asking why I always keep saying 'OK'. I mean, what else can I say?! He's always right. And it seems like he never gets my points! But he says he does. But whatever. Right now, I just don't  really want to talk to him aye. I texted him 'good night and I'll see you tomorrow. If that's possible' and it took him like 10 minutes to reply back with 'swt'. WTF man!!!?! What is up with that?! Oh my gosh man! I mean, he could've at least replied with a 'good night' as well! But no! No goodnight at all! He irritates me sooo much right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to talk to him or text him right now. 

ARRGGHH!!

Tell me...?

Long time no blogging! My cousin from Auckland just left today. Was great hanging out with them. We watched a movie yesterday, called the Hangover. Was a good movie. Very funny.

Anyways! I have found out on Sunday that my guy best friend has now got a girlfriend. Obviously, he wasn't the one to tell me... I wonder when he is guna tell me?! I mean on Saturday night, he had a party at his house, and quite a lot happened. People having emotional breakdowns coz of a guy or girl and people just having a nut at nothing, and some people that were just like .... *awkward*

BUT! One major thing that happened was that my guy best friend hooked up with this korean girl, and then to find out later on from her that she said that he came onto her when it was her that started it. I don't get it. He went all mental after that. After she went home, he told me that he wanted to be in a relationship with a girl who's like me, and that he could never be in a relationship with someone like her. I wa slike ok. when he told me. But to find out the day after that, they were officially GOING OUT!! I mean what the f*** is up with that??! I mean, it's not that I mind, it's just that I thought he said he'd never go out with her or something. He said he was still not over me. And BOOM. He goes out with her! Maybe that is his 'only' way of forgetting me? I dunno. I'm just confused and don't know what to believe in. AND!! Obviously that idiot hasn't even mentioned A THING about this new relationship of his!! GOSH! I'm his best friend and does he not ever plan to tell me?!