Stop It!

So now that me and H are all good now, though sometimes I do have the urge to like ignore him, not seeing and everything. But we are still all good now.

But the one things that still annoys me is (besides the stupid Chinese film essay), is that R keeps calling me, "honey", "baby", "wife" and all those other pet names for "lovers" and all, is REALLY starting to piss me off! Like seriously? STOP IT! Enough already!! I'm not your wife OR girlfriend! So just zip it with all those names. And talking like a freakin gay guy! It's soooo not cool man.

Gosh. Told him plenty of times to stop. But he just WON'T!!! >:( GRR. Annoys me so much! Every time he talks like that, it annoys the living hell out of me -straight up! GOSH!

Even talking about it annoys me already. ARRGHH!

Now, I better get back to my essay... (haha)

All good - NOW??

Geez. So it seems that THIS time, everything should be all good between us.

He called me last night, and asked me coz he wanted to have another 'serious' talk with me again, and said he considered not talking to me or that he was not trying to avoid me -but like he shouldn't see me. I was like What the hell man!? Why do you keep doing this? It's so lame. But then he asked me why I was like all weird every time that we saw each other. And so I told him when he called me.

So yes. I guess it's all sorted now. Though I still don't really want to see him now even though he wants to see me. Geez. He can be ever so annoying sometimes. Was like trying to avoid seeing him today at uni when he saw my best friend, S. We were like, he sooo sounds like a stalker. Wanting to know where I was and all. Geez.

Just do his stupid essay already! He said he's got four of them to do! So why don't he get onto it instead of meeting up or seeing his 'beloved'??? GOSH. get your priorities straight bro!! (haha).

Say What!?

I don't get him. Like seriously. He's says that in his blog that, maybe he is right about us hanging out too much, which is why the situation is pretty awkward right now. But to me, it's not.

The reason why the situation has gone all awkward is because of HIM! Like seriously. Even though I had said to him that it is not his fault and to not blame himself. But it actually IS his fault. Not because he told me he liked me and all that. It's cause at one moment he wants me to hang out with him and 'have my attention all the time' or that he's not seeing me enough blah blah blah. And then the next he decides that seeing each other is too much and is making the situation awkward and saying that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a week or a couple of days. Like seriously. Make up your mind, GEEZ!!!

So I wrote on my FB status, "Am I suppose to put my life on hold, because you don't know how to act and you don't know where your life is going?" (But this was just some lyrics from a song, Goodbye - Kristinia DeBarge). Then he has to be a dick and comment on it saying, "Lol I thought you've always loved to live your own way~ since when do you love for others?? :P"
Man. Did that piss me off. What is THAT suppose to mean oi?!

Then he sends me a private mail on FB saying: Not good to explain on your status, will do it here. What I mean is that, it sounds like you are "living for and waiting on someone" :O I thought you didn't want to be "living for and waiting on someone" lor~ haha am I making sense?? :P

To be honest, no. He is not making any sense at all. But whatever. I couldn't be bothered explaining so I didn't reply. He can think what he want. I don't care. I'm gonna leave it as this for now...

I Don't Get Him!

Like, I seriously hve no idea what the hell is wrong with him!! And by "him", I meant H. Like, serously? Does he HAVE to make things so complicated?? What is WRONG with him man???

So like, on Thursday, he texted me saying he might come over to R's (as I was there watching Gossip Girl) and then he was like (texting) na, seeing you to much is no fun. Maybe we shouldn't talk or see each other for a couple of days or weeks! Coz he said that if we saw each other too much there would be nothing to do or say.

He wrote in his blog that, "Too much contact makes it sort of hmm...not as exciting I guess :/" After reading that I was like, Seriously? What the hell do you want then!? First, he complains about how I keep "avoiding" him and not seeing him, not talking to him, not hanging out with him enough. And now?? We've only been seeing each other everyday for a week, (as friends OK?!) and he's already like, Oh my Gosh! It's too much! Not exciting enough! Oh waaah! *Sarcasm*

Seriously. what the hell does he want?? Well anyways, I've decided, since he doesen't want to see me like everyday -coz it's not as exciting and blah blah blah, I will do my best to "AVOID" seeing him -unless he asks me to hang out with him. I know, I know, I shoudn' be all like, "If he ask me I'll go, and if he doesn't I won't." But what else can I do?? I mean, if this is what he wants, he'll get it. He won't see me as often. End of story.

Hanging Out

We've been hanging out together for the last few days. Is that too much? Or is that OK??

Today, when we went over to R's (coz I had an online tutorial and I do it at his place coz he has the program), like R would do his usual touchy, touchy, feel crap on me -like hugging and "molesting" me. And this time, since me and H were there, I had someone to like lean on when he "attacked" me. So I was like, "Oh my God H!! Save me from this crazy guy!!!" Whilst leaning on him and all. Yeah. Like, Does doing that equal giving him the wrong idea?? Coz like... I didn't mean to if it does giv him the wrong idea...'

Well, hope he doesn't get the wrong idea. I mean, he's a cool guy, a good friend and all. But I just don't think of him that way... You know....?

Funny That

Well you know how I just said yesterday that it felt sort of awkward around me and him?? Well yeah. I read his blog that night and he feels he same too. But he says it's a "good kind of awkwardness."


Aha. So it seems that both of us can actually feel this awkwardness between each other hahaha. But at the end he adds, "I wish it could be a spark to start something. LOL. Jokes. I dunno aye." I mean... Sorry... But it ain't gonna happen. I just want him to be my good mate. Like best friends. So.. I'm sorry if I ever gave you the wrong signals or impressions..

Anyways, we're texting each other tonight. And he told me to read his blog (which I'v already read -about feeling awkward) and I was like, "By the sounds of it, you're feeling bit uneasy/strange?" (I didn't tell him that I read it though). And he's like, "Don't you find it? We have nothing going onbut ye we ar so close :O lik we actually have something :o" And I was like, "Isn't that what best friends are like??" And he's like, "....Your prescence keeps m persistant hahahaha."

He said that he would go deeper (feelings) if I ever gave him a chance. But like, na. I don't think so. Sorry.

All Good Now?

So I think we are all good now, considering we talked it out today.

We coincidently saw each other at the bus stop (in town). He saw me first, and didn't know whether it was me or not, but in the end, he found out it was me (obviously). We both were going to uni.

I guess you could say that we acted like nothing really had happened. Coz we just chatted away. Like, in a way, I felt we chatted away coz, it'll be awkward if we didn't say anything. But then again, us chatting away is good. I mean, we hadn't talked in ages and we DID need to catch up and all.

So yeah. When we arrived at uni, we went straight to the computer labs and he knew about me having to do my stupid "Chinese Film and Civilisation" paper essay. He helped me with it, gave me ideas and all. He also did his assignment and asked me to double check/proof-read it.

Then, like he said in his reply to my letter, he wanted to apologize for some of the stuff that I had mentioned in my letter to him. And he did. It was just weird in a way, having to read my own letter to him again. But then I guess it was good to get all the things we both had misunderstood, clear to each other.

When he was about to leave and go catch the bus home, I told him I'd talk to him on FB. And with that, he felt sort of uneasy. I know coz he said, he didn't kow whether to tell me this or not. But then I was like, yes, I'm listening. And so he said, like the little things that I say (such as wanting to talk to him on FB when he gets home) makes him over think that and feel that I need him. Though he knew that I didn't feel that way. I was like, but I didn't do or say anything weird?!?! I'm just being me. And he was just like, yeah, you being you is what gets me. (Or something along those lines, yeah?)

So yeahhhh... I dunno. Like, maybe I DO have to be very careful with my words when I'm around him. Coz I don't want him to get hung up on me for like ever. Just like J is ... And mentioning J, I think (and so does a few other friends etc) think that he still has feelings for me though he has a girlfriend. Like oooh!! (haha). But yea. I feel he does too... But oh well, I just pretend there's nothing. Coz he's awesome as a friend and I don't like him that way.

Anyways!! I'm just glad that me and H are all good now. Well at least I think we're all good. Though he said he'd change to a better guy like he was when I had first met him. So yeah, we'll see how that goes eh?

Reply

So yeah, he has replied to my long as letter via FB. Like, er... Why didn't he just click on 'reply' on the page to my email?? Take all that time to like go onto FB and all.. Weirdo... (haha).

But yeah, he said that he doesn't know how awkward it'll be. But he'd like to meet up at some point (some day) and talk it out and apologize for some of the stuff that I've mentioned in the letter to him... And to let him know, when I'm ready to meet up with him. He'd wait. So uh. Yeah... I guess it's all back to me again... *Sigh*

I dunno. It just feels weird now. I don't know when to meet him. Like, even now... I don't really want to. And I don't want him to like wait that long... You know? Hmm... I don't know... ><

And like, am I suppose to like, reply to that FB message?? Or not??

Oh, and on his FB status, it says "F*&% yeah~ Making my wish to taht airplane from last Friday worked!! Don't say it's lame people! =P" Well, Yeah... It is sort of lame... But oh well. If his wish was for me to talk to him or reply ... Then, obviously.. It would come true. I mean, seriously?? Am I THAT mean, that I'd just ignore him for the rest of my/our life without giving him a chance to explain and for me to tell him how I feel -like what's going on and all?? So yeah.

But in his blog... He said that he will "never give the truth out even if it means lying my way from it :P Friendly lies wouldn't hurt aye~"

Hmm... NOW he's got me all curious and all. I want to know what he's [most likely] hiding from me....!!! >< NOOO!! Why does he have to say that, knowing that I WILL read his blogs?!? GOSH! That's cruel.... Haha.

But oh well. As long as he's happy, I'm happy and relieved. Don't want him to "suffer" anymore from my.. "ignoring him" mode. Haha!!

Writing...

So, I have decided to write back to his letter via email. Even though in his blog he said that he is pretty much over me. It took me a while to decide on whether I should write back to him... Coz I mean, if he's over those feelings, why trigger them again, by writing a letter back to him?? So yeah.. Anyways.. I guess it [letter] was pretty long...

I don't think that I have included everything that I had wanted to say... But I guess I got down most of it... Mainly coz I didn't have enough time and I got home later than I had planned.

But oh well. I guess I did get most of my thoughts/feelings out [to him] so I should be all good. In a way I feel all good now. But like, I still feel it'll be weird just seeing him or hanging out with him at the moment...

Like after writing that letter, I feel, even weirder... Like, I don't want to see him around. Coz... Maybe I'm a bit embarrassed?? Shamed?? I dunno. Just weird. Awkward. Yeah...

Well. I've already sent it out to him. So we'll see what he has to say....

Letter

So he wrote me a letter. It was like 4 - 5 pages long. He wrote it on pieces of refil paper. He gave it to my (older) sister to give it to me. And she put it in my bag, where I could see it... They had dinner last night (with R as well).

When I read the first little piece of paper that he had (paper) clipped together, it said something like how he's got a copy of the letter in the USB [stick] (as well as a hand written one), and said that he had some New Zealand music in it too, coz he knew that I supported New Zealand music. I smiled reading that (haha).

So then, I started reading his letter. In a way, it was very touching. And like he wanted, it did get through to me... I guess. And the bit where I had a good chuckle, was the bit where he added in that in/on my FB status, I had once put in it, "some people are just TOO naive". And he knew that it was directed to him, coz he commented on it in his letter. And also, that I had the word "IMPOSSIBLE" on my MSN status thingy. But to be honest, I wrote that coz of the song, Impossible - Shontelle. As it was stuck in my head that time, and I had wanted to change it. So ... wasn't directed to him.

In his letter, he said that he didn't know how I was feeling and that it was very important to him to know how I felt. And that if I wanted him to piss off, then I should just tell him. But the point it, I'm no longer mad at him as you know, and that all I'm feeling now, is that, he's made the situation all weird and awkward. Like I want to pretend like nothing has happened. Hang out with him and talk to him like normal. But somehow, this time, I cannot manage to do that...

I mean, yes. He has gotten through to me, and that while I was reading his letter, he did make me smile and chuckle a bit. But I just still can't face him. He also mentioned that in his letter, that he doesn't know how to face me either. Like, he feels he doesn't have the right to see/look/talk to me.

And one thing that he [keeps] saying that I hate. That is, saying that all the texts, emails, FB [private] messages, blogs that he wanted me to read and now inluding the letter, he sent/gave to me, he keeps saying that, only if I 'care about them' or something along those lines. Like, do I seemt that cruel and not read things or you know, refuse to care about how you feel?? He makes it seem like I'm that mean. and I'm not. I've read every single one of those texts, messages and blogs.

I mean, yes, it's mean enough to not reply to him. I know. But I DO read everything he wants me to read. I know how he feels. So now it's just him, that doesn't know how I feel.

But according to R, he told H how I felt now. (about how it's awakward blah blah). So I dunno how he will react now. Coz in the letter he said that, writing that letter was the last attempt to get through to me. So... who knows.

Like, I'm thinking of answering his letter through email. Like it's my turn to spill my heart to him about this situation. But then I don't feel like it. Like I don't want him to show or tell anyone about the letter I sent him. So... I dunno. Maybe I will send him and email... later on. I mean, yeah, I think it is already sad enough for him to not know how I feel and all. While he's just worrying his ass off and I'm like living my life like as if nothing had happened, until someone reminded me.

He said in the letter that he didn't know why I was angry at him. And I was like 'What the hell man..... - -; how can you not know??' (haha). But then again, guys are a bit... "dumb" (or whatever word you use) when it comes to 'girls being angry at them'. They like, never know why a girl is angry at them. So, in then end, I forgave him for that point as well.

So, yes. I have forgiven him. But I just don't know how to face him. I will keep thinking about replying that letter. So, we'll see how that goes...