Letter

So he wrote me a letter. It was like 4 - 5 pages long. He wrote it on pieces of refil paper. He gave it to my (older) sister to give it to me. And she put it in my bag, where I could see it... They had dinner last night (with R as well).

When I read the first little piece of paper that he had (paper) clipped together, it said something like how he's got a copy of the letter in the USB [stick] (as well as a hand written one), and said that he had some New Zealand music in it too, coz he knew that I supported New Zealand music. I smiled reading that (haha).

So then, I started reading his letter. In a way, it was very touching. And like he wanted, it did get through to me... I guess. And the bit where I had a good chuckle, was the bit where he added in that in/on my FB status, I had once put in it, "some people are just TOO naive". And he knew that it was directed to him, coz he commented on it in his letter. And also, that I had the word "IMPOSSIBLE" on my MSN status thingy. But to be honest, I wrote that coz of the song, Impossible - Shontelle. As it was stuck in my head that time, and I had wanted to change it. So ... wasn't directed to him.

In his letter, he said that he didn't know how I was feeling and that it was very important to him to know how I felt. And that if I wanted him to piss off, then I should just tell him. But the point it, I'm no longer mad at him as you know, and that all I'm feeling now, is that, he's made the situation all weird and awkward. Like I want to pretend like nothing has happened. Hang out with him and talk to him like normal. But somehow, this time, I cannot manage to do that...

I mean, yes. He has gotten through to me, and that while I was reading his letter, he did make me smile and chuckle a bit. But I just still can't face him. He also mentioned that in his letter, that he doesn't know how to face me either. Like, he feels he doesn't have the right to see/look/talk to me.

And one thing that he [keeps] saying that I hate. That is, saying that all the texts, emails, FB [private] messages, blogs that he wanted me to read and now inluding the letter, he sent/gave to me, he keeps saying that, only if I 'care about them' or something along those lines. Like, do I seemt that cruel and not read things or you know, refuse to care about how you feel?? He makes it seem like I'm that mean. and I'm not. I've read every single one of those texts, messages and blogs.

I mean, yes, it's mean enough to not reply to him. I know. But I DO read everything he wants me to read. I know how he feels. So now it's just him, that doesn't know how I feel.

But according to R, he told H how I felt now. (about how it's awakward blah blah). So I dunno how he will react now. Coz in the letter he said that, writing that letter was the last attempt to get through to me. So... who knows.

Like, I'm thinking of answering his letter through email. Like it's my turn to spill my heart to him about this situation. But then I don't feel like it. Like I don't want him to show or tell anyone about the letter I sent him. So... I dunno. Maybe I will send him and email... later on. I mean, yeah, I think it is already sad enough for him to not know how I feel and all. While he's just worrying his ass off and I'm like living my life like as if nothing had happened, until someone reminded me.

He said in the letter that he didn't know why I was angry at him. And I was like 'What the hell man..... - -; how can you not know??' (haha). But then again, guys are a bit... "dumb" (or whatever word you use) when it comes to 'girls being angry at them'. They like, never know why a girl is angry at them. So, in then end, I forgave him for that point as well.

So, yes. I have forgiven him. But I just don't know how to face him. I will keep thinking about replying that letter. So, we'll see how that goes...