No one Understands...

On Tuesday, I decided to tell J what happened - mainly coz he kept asking me. And I had ask him the night before (Monday), on MSN, whether I was a two-faced person or not. He automatically replied that everyone was. I told him that was not the answer I wanted. I explained to him what I meant. He then told me. You could say, most of it was the stuff sort of similar to the things that G had told me. My two-faced-ness was mainly directed/related to guys. It wasn't very nice to hear. But I had told J to be honest with me, seeing as he is my closest guy friend. But in a way, I didn't think he understood how I felt...

So on Tuesday, after our class together, he asked me about G. It took me a while to tell him, but I eventually did. We both agreed and knew what type of person G was. We had a good talk about him. Though it wasn't a very long talk and we didn't exactly get to finish, it was till worthwhile, seeing as I wagged my other class to talk to J about this. We both knew that he was VERY desperate for a girlfriend. And would try anything to get one. But the thing was, he likes asians girls. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just that he's a black guy.. and mainly.. he has anger issues. Any chick would run away from him sooner or later (no offense or anything to him). But it's the truth.

He's even lied to two asian girls (whom I know), telling them that, they were the first asian girl that he has liked. Which we all know, is a big, fat LIE. That's how desperate he can get. G turned up at about 4.30 p.m. and so me and J couldn't talk about him no more. It was sort of weird, the atmosphere. For me, it was more like awkward and I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you atmosphere (for me). But anyways, he and J talked and I just sat there. I didn't want to talk to him really. 

- Different story -

Last Saturday, G and I were texting at night. He told me that he had 'lost someone that I loved and it hurt a lot. There are times where I lay in bed and cried.' I sort of felt sorry for him, but I wasn't so sure about the crying part.. But anyways, I asked him who it was and it took him about 5 minutes to tell me, that it was ME!! OMG! (Well, actually, I knew that was coming, but I never knew that he LOVED me. What the hell?!). After all his explanations and I had already told him that I'm still recovering from all those things that he had said to me. He said, 'I'm guessing you still mad at me. Q let it go. It happened and there is nothing you can do 

to change the past. Why don't you move on? In a good way that is.' I mean, what the hell was he thinking?! Telling me to move on. Coz it ain't HIM that has been hurt. Coz it ain't HIM that has to think about those nasty words everyday! Coz HE'S the one that said those hurtful words and NEVER regretted it!!

Gosh. I don't know how he can do that!! I'm so pissed at him right now. I don't want to talk to him on MSN and text I have decided. Coz even J agrees with me that, when G texts, there are no emotions in them and so it's harder for me to know whether he is joking, serious or angry or whatever. 

Hurtful Words All Over Again.

He's done it again... He's said more of those hurtful words to me... 

We were talking on MSN yesterday afternoon. He then asked me, if he had ever lied to me about anything. I told him that I didn't know on the spot. I told him to give me some time to think about it. He stupidly responded with '5 minutes?' '10 minutes?' I was like thinking to myself, 'What the hell!? Just leave me alone and stop asking me stupid questions!' But instead, I told him that I needed more than that. He then told me I was annoying, so I said 'Fine. I'll shut up then.' He then said, "Your annoying when u shut up as well." And that totally got me going (crazy). I asked him what he wanted me to do then. He said to let him punch me. I automatically responded with "EFF NO I WILL." He then goes, 'you will?' I mean of course I wouldn't! In his dreams he could. 

He decided later on that I was a two-faced person. Especially to guys. I asked him why. He said, "when u meet new people listen to yourself. And then you will know. Yeah u don't. But u make people think that way. hint two-faced." I asked him, "So your saying I'm two-faced?" He then gave me the most hurtful sentence/explanation to me, "I said that ages ago. You may fool some people, but not all of them. Just coz u got hurt by Jh doesn't mean u do the same to others. Maybe Jh cheated on u for good reason. Maybe he realized your two-faced act. Maybe not. But whatever it is Q, u change once u know the inside of a guy." To me, that was the most hurtful thing that he has ever said to me, I didn't mind (a lot) that he called me a two-face, but putting Jh into the conversation was absolutely uncalled for! It totally struck me on my most sensitive nerve/spot. I was extremely upset and angry at him that moment. And I guess I still am. 

I mean, he's saying that it's MY fault that Jh cheated on me?! That NOTHING was Jh's fault!? Well, sorry. But I think you don't know the full story (about me and Jh) to talk about me (and him) like that. G pisses me off just like that. He talked to me today. Buh I much rather him not to. Coz I just want to be alone - without him around! I don't  want to see him, talk to him or whatever else there is that has to do with him! 

That day, I really wanted to tell J about this, but I couldn't. Coz he would ask me all sorts of questions and I wouldn't be in the mood of telling him. I was on the bus.. trying so hard to hold back all my tears - angry and upset tears. G always does this - with or without realizing it. But the thing is, he never seems to regret what he has ever said to me. He said he was terribly sorry. But really? I wouldn't know. Only he would. He told me last Thursday night (via text), that he is not 'physical unless I get in a fight, which I don't start. Or someone comment about my mama, then I fight. But I am really sorry Q, we have all done something that we are not proud of. And for me, one of it was offending you. I'm terribly sorry. When I'm angry I want a hug from that person....' I decided to ignore the fact that he had said sorry. 

Then, a couple of days later, we were texting at night, we got into the conversation,

 something about him and finding girlfriends and what not. He told me that "It's been like this for 4 years aye. All the girls that I like run away when they find out my anger issues. It f***s me off man. I even lost you. Lol.' When he said that, I automatically said to him, then why don't you NOT be angry? But I don't think he answered that question. And anyways, I don't get how he lost me, when I'm still his friend and still talk to him and stuff. He's just ... stupid... ><

Yumcha

Went to Yumcha at Tasty Restaurant today at 12.30 p.m. with K today. He surprised me , He came back to PN a couple of days ago and I didn't know about it and I didn't believe it when he told me he was here in PN haha. Anyways. I met another one of his friend. His name was R. R introduced himself as R, and then K comes along and goes, have you guys introduce yourselves yet? He's J. And I was totally shocked. Coz at R told me his name was R and then K tells me it's J! But then R cleared things up, saying that he's got two english names. But many people call him R. So that was a relief. I thought he was lying haha.

Anyways, it was great meeting R. C and Iv was also there. We spent like 2 hours there, just chatting away and laughing. Though I didn't say much, it was still fun to just be around them. About 2.30 p.m. we all decided to leave - we were like the second to last people left in the restaurant. We had a little chat when we were at the car park. Then we decided to go bowling at Bowlarama. But first of all, K (and I) took R home first, coz he said he had assignments to do.

When we got there, it was just us four. It was fun. Though I was losing... During the game, K said that if he won, then I'd had to shout him drinks. I said OK. In the end. I won him by one point (YAY). We had a second game and in the end, me and K tied in the game. It was a fun game. Afterwards, we all decided to go home, since it was 4 p.m. So K took me home and yeah. That was the end of my (fun) day!

Patching Things Up

I texted G this morning to tell him that I would (finally) return his hooded jacket back to him. The conversation went like this: 

Q: Hey. You have free from 10 a.m.  - 11 a.m. aye

G: If u mean time. Yeah. I am free from 10 - 11. who is this

Q: Sweet. I'll give you back your jacket then. And once again. Thanks for deleting my number.

G: Oh you again. Well you don't talk to me. And you mad at me so I don't see a point in keeping your number.

Q: Oh. "Again." I'm sorry then. I do talk to you. And plus. Even if I am mad at you, you didn't have to delete my number. Do u see me deleting your number when you were mad at me??!

G: No. Q. I didn't say it that way. Plus, Q you don't know how terrible I feel. It's not that I don't wanna talk to you or hate you or anything. Every time I see your number I wanna talk to you. And stuff. And I know if I do that. You won't be interested in being friends again. So I thought it would help if I deleted it. Nothing negative.

Q: Every time you talk to me on MSN and stuff, I always reply. So why would I not text back if u texted me? I never said I didn't want to be friends with you anymore. You know how i hate losing a friend.

G: Yeah and when I ask you if you are still mat at me. You say it doesn't matter. And to me that means that nothing will change between us. And I don't want it to be like that.

Q: Yes. Coz it really doesn't. If I was mad at you, what will you do? If I wasn't mad at you, what will u do?

G: If you were mad I would stop talking to you. And if you weren't I would be friendly. That's what I had planned anyway.

Q: Oh. So if I was mad at you, you wouldn't talk to to me? How is that gonna make our friendship any better?

G: It's not. If your mad at me. Then why bother. But if your not. It's worth a try.

Q: Well if you bothered. It could at least still help the friendship somehow. If u don't. Obviously it's all gonna go down the drain, isn't it?

G: Yea. Well do you wanna still be mates

Q: Yes I do. Do you?

G: I do.

So yeah. That's how the conversation went. I told him that I'll meet up with him to give him back his jacket anyways, seeing as I have already bought it along with me and have finally remembered to. He told me: 'Nah actually. Keep it at your place. If it wasn't  for my jacket. It's actually a hoodie. We wouldn't be talking.'

But in the end, I gave it back to him. Coz i didn't want to carry it around in my bag. It's pretty big actually. Takes up a lot of room in my bag. So yeah. I guess now we are on good terms. But this certainly does not mean that I have forgiven him (yet) for what he has said to me. He said that he 'feels terrible' but he never said a thing about him being sorry or being regretful for what he had said to me. 

I don't know if I will point that out to him, but.. for now. I think I will just pretend that nothing is happening, now that we are starting to patch up our friendship again. Maybe, I will tell him later, when I have finally decided that I am going to forgive him. But surely. I will never forget it. 

Broken Friendships..

I'm think about G so much. Not in a obsessed way or anything. Just thinking whether or not, it's the time for me to give up and forgive him for what he has done/texted me, or not. I don't know. I really want to talk to him and pretend that nothing has happened. But the thing is, I don' think I can... I think about, the next time I see him around, I will say 'hi' to him and have a good conversation with him. But no. When that time comes. It just doesn't seem to work. 

I don't want to kill this friendship that we have. I always think about the good times that we had together when we were good friends. All I know for now is that, we can never ever have a (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship. Even when I think that I do want one with him, I think about the consequences. I don't want to be hurt. It's the same with, whether or not I should talk to him again and be his good friend again or to keep a distance from him, so I don't get hurt by him again. 

Whenever he talks to me (on MSN, Facebook, text or face-to-face), I feel really.. weird. It's just really awkward the atmosphere between us now, I think. I don't want it to be like this. But, whenever he does start talking to me, I feel annoyed. Annoyed that he is talking to me and I feel that I don't want to talk to him. It's bad. I know. But I cannot change my feelings, even if I wanted to.

Do you think that we will be fine later one...? I would like to mend up our friendship. But like this certain quote says: "Broken friendships CAN be fixed, but there will still be cracks." I don't want our friendship to have any cracks in it. Though at the moment I think there is a major one. He thinks that I am still mad at him (which is true, by the way). HE texted me saying that he got a feeling that I was still mad at him coz what he said was extraordinary and disturbing. I told him that I was glad he had actually realized that. He never really replied to that. He just carried on asking whether or not I was mad at him. But I told him that it didn't matter, as it wouldn't change anything...

Did what I do, was right or wrong? I didn't want to sound harsh. But, it's how I feel. I just don't want to tell him. I mean all he is gonna say is 'OK', or something along those lines. He's not gonna do much about it. There IS nothing to do about it. So what's the point of letting him know?

All I can do is, let fate decide for us. Only fate will know whether we will end up being friends or end up being 'people we know'. I don't want our friendship to end. But what he said to me WAS really disturbing and extraordinary. I will NEVER EVER forget those words. Every time that I read that text, I feel so.. deeply hurt all over again. It's like I've been punched in the stomach by him. It's painful. How can I ever forget that? How can ANYONE forget about such thing said to them?

I don't really know what I want him to do, so that I will eventually forgive him. I don't need his apologies coz I know he doesn't think it's his fault, maybe giving me a reason would be good? But maybe even that, won't help me to forgive him so easily... Maybe I just need time to forget it.. Coz time heals the pain or whatever that line is. Wish us luck.

Saturday Night

It was K's last night in PN yesterday. So me and him went out for a drink at night, at about 11.30 p.m. We sort of went for a cruise around the city and up to IPC and all, the first 20 minutes or so. Then we FINALLY decided to go to Mao Bar and have some dessert, seeing as he said that he was hungry and didn't want to go eat at McDonalds. We ordered a cheesecake to share and I had coke and he had something like Jack Daniel's with coke. He told me to try it. I did. And it was yucky and bitter... it tasted like Chinese medicine.. haha. 

We went upstairs (of Mao Bar) to have a good chat. It was the first time that we actually talked one-on-one and sort of opening up to each other about or lives (background?). He told me about hi ex-girlfriend and how he meet one of our friend (the one that I met him through). And I told him about me and Jh. We then talked more about relationships, like how to approach girls (or guys), we also talked about ... our life and everything. 

About 12.55 a.m. we decided to go home, coz it seemed like Mao Bar was about to close and we were the only ones left in the shop. He took me home as usual. When we got to my house, we said our goodbyes and then he said he'll give me a hug before we go. It was the first time that we hugged. We then said our good nights' and said that we'll see each other again the next time he comes back to PN. 

It wasn't a very eventful night. But I still enjoyed it even though we didn't hang out for long that night. He's really is a great guy. Even though he's not the greatest looking guy around, but still. It doesn't matter. He's a nice guy and everything. Glad to have met him =)

Malbas

Last night, was the first time I went 'clubbing'. I mean it wasn't really clubbing. More like just going into Malbas and drinking. I went with K and H at about 10.45 p.m. after we had our ice cream at Chokolat (I think that's how u spell it).

It was a good night. The weather was good. Didn't look like it was gonna rain or anything. Just cold. But hey! What do you expect?! It's winter! Anyways. We went to Malbas and we got our I.D.'s checked and got a 'Malbas' stamp on our hands. K bought me and H drinks. I had two raspberry vodka cruiser. Was nice. They both had Woodstock.

The atmosphere was great. Not a lot of people were there at first. But obviously a lot of people eventually came in. So it was the first time I've been to Malbas and G has been telling me that it's vert fun there, that's why I suggested to K and H that we should go there, since we had nothing better to do. 

I found out that it wasn't actually THAT exciting. I mean, it was just average. I observed a lot of things. I noticed that a lot of white girls dress up very... er... slutty...? But I guess if they wore a lot of clothes, it would get pretty hot inside and I'm sure they don't want to carry stuff around. Also, I've noticed that some guys push their mates to random(?) girls, and then the girl turns around and start talking to them - intimately, as the music is VERY loud. I also saw the girl getting close to that guy, and then she kissed him on the neck. WOW. That really shocked me! I don't know whether they actually know each other, but I thought it was pretty... extreme(?)

But yeah! Overall it wasn't too bad. K thought I had some personal problems as I was just drinking and drinking. To be honest. I did. It was obviously coz of the 'Me and G' situation. I told him. But the music was loud as, so maybe he couldn't hear ALL of it (even though he was sitting next to me). He may have heard just 98% of it? Even H couldn't hear me (he was sitting diagonally from me). But oh well. I'm just happy that he listened. Or at least tried to get it out of me. He IS the first person that I've told. I mean I haven't even told my best buddy J. 

Anyways! We finally left at like 12 a.m. K took me home as usual. But then he stopped at the Briscoes car park, so that he could teach me to drive (turning and parking) as I really sucked at it. I tell you. It wasn't very successful. I gave up eventually. (That was my 4th driving lesson!). 

Well. We eventually got to my house and we said our goodbyes and good nights.

Overall, it was a good night. You could say it was a good 'clubbing' experience. It's not something that I'd want to do every weekend and I seriously don't think that it's so much fun, even though you are with your friends.

gOod niGht out

On Tuesday, I went out for lunch with K, T & C. It's been about a month or two since we've all hung out. K just came down to PN from Auckland on Monday night. 

We had planned to meet up for lunch on Tuesday, but I had no texts so I couldn't text him. I had missed the bus as I had class that day. I finally got into town at about 12 p.m. I went to get out $20 in the ATM so I could go and buy a top up card. On the way to buying one, I coincidentally bumped into them (not literally). So we ended up going to Thai House Express to have lunch. (It must be fate to meet them in town with no text hahaha). 

Anyways! We were just casually talking and all. Just catching up with each other. We then decided that we would go watch a movie that night. So after eating, we all went to university together coz I had class at 2 p.m. K drove me there. They went to the computer lab while I went to my lecture. After my lecture was finished, I went texted K and he told me to go to the computer labs. We all hung out in the labs for a while, just going on the internet and all. We decided that we were going to watch Drag Me to Hell at 8 p.m. It's a horror movie. So at about 6 p.m. we decided to go to McDonalds to have dinner. T insisted on treating me, so he paid for my dinner. I thanked him for that. 

At about 7 p.m. we all went to Mao Bar to have a couple of drinks. T once again, treated me. It costed $13 for a drink. I decided to have 'Sex on the Beach'. It was a nice drink. Had a bit of fruity taste  in it. It took me a while to finish it though. We just kept talking until about 7.45 p.m. when we had to leave so we could go to the movies. Me and K got to the movies first, C was waiting for T to arrive. So me and K went to buy our tickets. K said that he'll pay for my ticket, I felt a little bit bad, so I asked if he wanted any popcorn or drink. He said he wanted a medium coke, so I bought him one. It made me feel better even though it wasn't as expensive as the tickets.

The movie was pretty scary! For the very first time in my life of watching horror or scary movies, I screamed! And I never scream. I just jump. haha. After the movie, we had a little chat outside just before we were going to go home. K took me home. Then, just before I was home. He asked if I wanted to drive his car. I was like oh my gosh! You serious?! Coz his car is soo cool. And I don't want to destroy it. He said that he trusted me. So we swapped seats and I started to drive his cool car!! It was a bit scary, but it was great! But obviously, I sill hadn't learnt how to turn properly. I just only knew how to drive straight and turn a little bit. 

It was a great night I had. It was the first time that I had ever spent a WHOLE day with them! It was pretty fun! i enjoyed it. K then texted me some minutes later he texted me saying that '..Tonight was a good night. Thank you. I didn't have a night like tonight for a long time.'  This made me smile. I told him that I had a good night also. After a while we said our good nights and the next day, we were going to see each other again. 

AH! What a good night it was! =)

JealOusy StrikeZ...

I have been told by G a few days ago (before we had this major fight or argument -which we are still having by the way) that, J had given him a girl's number on that same night we had a fight about nothing and then talked it out afterwards. G thought that we were not never gonna talk again. So I guessed he asked J for an 'asian chick, slim'. So J gave him the number of this Korean girl, Y. She was the same girl that had gone out with my 'ex'. Not that it really mattered to me. It's just that when she did go out with him, I felt sorry for her, as I knew that Jh was a bad guy and I knew that their relationship wouldn't last for more than a couple of months. And I was right. But then again. Everybody knew that they weren't gonna last for a very long time. She finally broke it off -coz of herself. Not what others thought or said to her about him.

Anyways! That's not really what my point was. My point is that, now that G has Y's (cellphone) number, and is now her friend on Facebook (coz of me). He has been talking to her on Facebook -privately. So no one knows what they are talking about, let alone me. He showed me his conversation with her to me (his Facebook inbox). He told me that it was sort of a boring conversation that they were having. But I don't know how their conversation is going.

What really.. makes me annoyed is that, he's having this big fight with me, and there he is, talking to another chick. He told me just a couple of days ago (before our recent fight) that he likes me no matter what and that it is hard for him to not like me or something like that. He said that he wasn't just saying that and that he meant it. Now. I don't know. He said all these nice things to me, about me. But now I don't know whether he meant it or not. 

Now he is talking with some Korean girl that I know and she is sort of like me when it comes to guys. She likes black/brown guys. So do I. But I like brown/tan guys. Mainly coz I have never come across a black (African) guy before, until I met G. I've always thought that black people were scary. So I never thought I'd even be friends or be anywhere near them. Let alone liking one...

So now that G and Y are at the beginning or their 'new friendship'. I feel sort of jealous? I mean. No. I don't mind that he is finding someone who would be willing to go out with him and all. But you know. I still have some feelings for him. So it's only normal for me to feel a bit jealous when I see or know that he is with another girl. I want to be with him. It's just that, I guess besides the fact that we fight a lot (mainly coz of this 'are we ever gonna go out?' situation, we fight a lot, I guess). I think that the only reason that I'm not really aure about going out with him is coz of the fact that he's..... black? I don't really know. But I think that is the reason. Coz honestly. How many asians, let alone, a Chinese girl, does go out with an African guy?! Coz surely, you don't see a lot of them (couples) around. 

I know that, if I 'truly' loved him and all, I should be accepting him for who he is. And I do. I don't mind that he's black and I'm asian. It's what other people think. I care about what other people would think of us when they see us together, holding hands and everything. I don't like criticism. I guess... I can't accept the fact that he's black and I'm asian. But I seriously don't mind him being African. I don't care when we hang out together (as friends). I don't care about what people say about me (and him) when we hang out (as friends). But why do care about it so much if we do go out?! I'm so ... frustrated. 

So when (if) he does go out with Y, I guess all I gotta do it, 'grin and bear it'. I mean what else can I do?  I'm the one who has problems with her feelings and he didn't. So if he's happy. I'll have to be happy even though there will always be that bit of jealousy in me. I know he will make me jealous. And I guess. In return. I will do the same. It's so childish. But..... it's.. natural thing for us humans to do, right?

All I really want right now though, is that I want him to not really apologize, but to explain to me, why he said all those hurtful things to me. And then. I just hope we can be GOOD FRIENDS FOR LIFE. Coz that's all we can ever be. until I get over my... insecurities.. I guess.