JealOusy StrikeZ...

I have been told by G a few days ago (before we had this major fight or argument -which we are still having by the way) that, J had given him a girl's number on that same night we had a fight about nothing and then talked it out afterwards. G thought that we were not never gonna talk again. So I guessed he asked J for an 'asian chick, slim'. So J gave him the number of this Korean girl, Y. She was the same girl that had gone out with my 'ex'. Not that it really mattered to me. It's just that when she did go out with him, I felt sorry for her, as I knew that Jh was a bad guy and I knew that their relationship wouldn't last for more than a couple of months. And I was right. But then again. Everybody knew that they weren't gonna last for a very long time. She finally broke it off -coz of herself. Not what others thought or said to her about him.

Anyways! That's not really what my point was. My point is that, now that G has Y's (cellphone) number, and is now her friend on Facebook (coz of me). He has been talking to her on Facebook -privately. So no one knows what they are talking about, let alone me. He showed me his conversation with her to me (his Facebook inbox). He told me that it was sort of a boring conversation that they were having. But I don't know how their conversation is going.

What really.. makes me annoyed is that, he's having this big fight with me, and there he is, talking to another chick. He told me just a couple of days ago (before our recent fight) that he likes me no matter what and that it is hard for him to not like me or something like that. He said that he wasn't just saying that and that he meant it. Now. I don't know. He said all these nice things to me, about me. But now I don't know whether he meant it or not. 

Now he is talking with some Korean girl that I know and she is sort of like me when it comes to guys. She likes black/brown guys. So do I. But I like brown/tan guys. Mainly coz I have never come across a black (African) guy before, until I met G. I've always thought that black people were scary. So I never thought I'd even be friends or be anywhere near them. Let alone liking one...

So now that G and Y are at the beginning or their 'new friendship'. I feel sort of jealous? I mean. No. I don't mind that he is finding someone who would be willing to go out with him and all. But you know. I still have some feelings for him. So it's only normal for me to feel a bit jealous when I see or know that he is with another girl. I want to be with him. It's just that, I guess besides the fact that we fight a lot (mainly coz of this 'are we ever gonna go out?' situation, we fight a lot, I guess). I think that the only reason that I'm not really aure about going out with him is coz of the fact that he's..... black? I don't really know. But I think that is the reason. Coz honestly. How many asians, let alone, a Chinese girl, does go out with an African guy?! Coz surely, you don't see a lot of them (couples) around. 

I know that, if I 'truly' loved him and all, I should be accepting him for who he is. And I do. I don't mind that he's black and I'm asian. It's what other people think. I care about what other people would think of us when they see us together, holding hands and everything. I don't like criticism. I guess... I can't accept the fact that he's black and I'm asian. But I seriously don't mind him being African. I don't care when we hang out together (as friends). I don't care about what people say about me (and him) when we hang out (as friends). But why do care about it so much if we do go out?! I'm so ... frustrated. 

So when (if) he does go out with Y, I guess all I gotta do it, 'grin and bear it'. I mean what else can I do?  I'm the one who has problems with her feelings and he didn't. So if he's happy. I'll have to be happy even though there will always be that bit of jealousy in me. I know he will make me jealous. And I guess. In return. I will do the same. It's so childish. But..... it's.. natural thing for us humans to do, right?

All I really want right now though, is that I want him to not really apologize, but to explain to me, why he said all those hurtful things to me. And then. I just hope we can be GOOD FRIENDS FOR LIFE. Coz that's all we can ever be. until I get over my... insecurities.. I guess.