Lust Or Love?

Is this feeling that I have, LUST or LOVE?

I'm just really confused at the moment. I mean I like him, but then I have doubts about him. (Not bad doubts of course). The person I'm talking about is K.

He recently came down to PN. I haven't seen him in like 2 - 3 months. I miss him so much. And now that he is here, I'm wondering whether it is real that I like him more than a friend or not.

I remember the first time that I met him. To me, he was like a person that was scary and didn't like to talk perhaps. Coz when I first meet him through my friends Y and T for lunch, he didn't talk much and looked sort of cold to me.

When Y gave him my number coz she said that he was a bit dodgy and all, and didn't want him to text her, she gave him my number so he'd text me and not her. I was freaked. Coz I didn't know him, and from what she told me, it was sorta of freaky. Considering he was older than us and all.

But when he started teething me, he didn't seem that dodgy at all. But like the slightest thing he'd say to me, I'd feel like "Oh my gosh! dodgy!!" Like I remember when he first texted me saying that his (cellphone) number was similar to mine, I got freaked and was like 'Oh my god. Ew." But if you think about it, he probably didn't mean it that way (dodgy way).

Every time that he texted me, I would be like 'Oh god. It's him again.' And I would never remember him until he texted me. He would never really tell me much about him, whenever I asked questions about him. He seemed like such a mysterious person to me. So I never really knew that much about him.

But just until recently... Or should I say, since about half a year ago, I suddenly remember him all the time, and want to have him texting me.

Throughout the end of last year, we talked a lot (through text and a few phone calls from him) and hung out with him when he was on his usual monthly visits to PN. It was always great to see him and every time we hang out, was always a great memory, in some sort of way. And even on Christmas we sent each other presents and also for his birthday in February, I got him a present from Hong Kong when I went in January. He said he loved it. And of course, I was happy about that =)

Now that we are getting closer, and he has sort of opened up to me. Like I know some things about him. I've met his parents, I know that he has an older sister who's married and is living in Auckland, I know where is house is and I guess I know some other minor stuff. But seriously, he's not as bad as people said he was. That he's a creepy/dodgy old perverted man.

So right now, I'm glad that I trusted my own gut, and I'm glad that I'm not the type of person who, listens to what tother people say and take their word for it without considering, whether it's true or not, or giving that person a chance and getting to know that person instead. I'm soo glad I got to know K instead of just straight up ignoring him like Y would.

So now the question is, do I like K or do I just find him 'new', considering the fact that I hardly see and talk to him? I miss him and I always want to see him (whenever he is in PN) and want to talk or be texting him.

Lust or Love guys???

Mixed Feelings

So, I've had this inside me for a very long time.. You know, R and I have gotten close lately. Considering I go to his place like everyday during the Semester, coz my parents doesn't know that I don't have class and I don't want them to know, coz I don't want them to keep nagging me about slacking and all. So I decided going to his place to go on Facebook and watching dramas was the best option.

So we like see each other everyday, and I sorta got sick of him by the time Semester break arrived (which is now). But like, now that it is our holiday, I don't see him as often (which I think is a good thing, so we don't get TOO close), like I miss him and all. When I finally get t see him, I feel happy and all. But once I see him so many times a week, I get so sick of seeing him.

He makes me smiles deep down and all. But like.. somehow, there is SOMETHING that seems to stop me every time. Like I suddenly decide maybe he's good for me, and I should go out with him and all. And then the next thing I know is that I don't want to, because there might be some other guy whose better for me or whatever.

Man, I'm so confused. Maybe I like him, but not enough. I THINK I have a feeling that he likes me, so I have to do my best to try and NOT lead him on too much. I don't want to break his heart.

So the question is, do I really want to be with him, or am I just highly confused about what I REALLY want??

Things So Far

So I haven't written here for a very long time. Sorry. I keep forgetting. Well I guess quite a lot has been happening, so I guess maybe this will be one long blog or maybe I will split this blog to two parts. Mmmm..

Hmmm! Where should I start? Umm.. Well. Ok. Let's start with the fact the I'm over K2. Well I thought that I wouldn't get over him coz he's such a 'perfect' guy. Everytime I see him, it's like "Oh. My dream guy. I need someone like him." But then after a while, I just forget about him, and not like all over him. But I will always remember him for taking me home, from alllll the way from Wellington back to Palmy. *Thanks K2!*

Next thing, Hmm.. is probably.. that I have FINALLY got a job. No. make it TWO jobs. At Mcds and Rubi Shoes (and at Cotton on). Yeah. Ilove working at Mcds. It's so fun. And the first day that I worked there (not the training bit), I hadn't got my full uniform yet, so I had to work at the back, not the counter, and this hot maori guy had to train me at the back, cooking patties and nuggets and what not. He's so nice and talkative. I like that. He's so cool. But the I found out that he was actaully TWO years YOUNGER than me! o_o and I was like aww!! That sucks bad! =( Time to find a new target. *Sigh* But then I went back a couple of days later to Mcds for breakfast and he was working there, and man. I don't think I can resist him.. yet. So now i kinda hope that i can work at the front next time so I don't have to drool over a younger guy but then again, I do want to drool over him. Oh. Life sucks. haha.


And with working at Rubi Shoes, well I haven't quite yet started working there. But I have my first shift this Friday, from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. but the thing is, I gotta go back to my parents shop to work. And the last bus back to my parents shop is at 6 p.m. and on a Friday BOTH places (Rubi Shoes & my parents shop) are busy. So I dunno. Hopefully I can get my manager to let me leave at 5 p.m. so I can catch the 5.25 p.m. bus back to my parents place >< *fingers crossed*


And ANOTHER (big) problem is that, next month on the 4th I'm going to HK, and I don't really want to, coz I have pretty much started both of my jobs, and there you, probably, less than a month, and I'm outta here for 2 weeks. I feel so bad and not good.. I'm sure Mcds will be OK with it. It's just Rubi Shoes. I hope they're OK with it. Coz in a way, I'm ready for them to end the contract after it finishes (duh) coz I don't want to work there as a casual. And then again, I want to stay there coz it's been like my dream to work at a retail store. So.... I dunno. Let's just see how it all goes. Maybe my mum will be right about how they will let me stay if they see how I worked hard enough and all. But yeah. I want to see if they let me change it to part-time not a casual job -IF they let me stay and extend my contract that is.

Oh yeah. And so I did well in my exams. But obviously a big fat E for my physical geography. Yup. I knew that was coming (haha). But that's OK. As long as I passed my other papers.


OH! And can't forget about this great news!! Me and my two girls went to watch Twilight saga: NEW MOON yesterday! OMG! it was soooo awesome! Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) was sooooo freakin' hot!!! It's like *DROOL* @___@ I love him soo much. He's like my dream/ideal man. OMGOSH!!! Love him! And yes. He is only 17. *sigh* Once again, younger than me. Oh what a shame (haha).

Hmmm.. Next thing. Errr... I need to go christmas shopping. Oh crap! And I still need to re-enrol for uni and studylink. Oh crud. Maybe I will go shopping tomorrow? Aw! I dunno. Life's so complicated right now (haha). It's so hard buying a gift for a guy. Considering how many guy friends I have ><>

Confused

Hmmm.. I think I MAY have developed some feelings for R... Oh I don't know! ><

He makes me smile all the time and like we can be mean to each other, without neither of us having a nut at each other. I mean, to me, he is the perfect guy for me. BUT! it's the INSIDE that captures me, not the OUTSIDE. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but he's not that good-looking. Not even average, I must say. Everybody who has meet him, has told me that he looks like a nerd. And hey, I don't have anything against them or anything. Just that, sometimes he DOES look a bit clueless/lost and I don't know.. puts me off maybe? But he's l

ike sooo adorable and all from the inside. I love him for that. 

Sometimes, when I think about it, and then see other girls with their oh-so-hot boyfriends, I feel like, 'Oh, why can't I find a good-looking boyfriend like her?' I mean, yeah, that may sound pretty greedy of me, but that's how I feel. And then sometimes I'd think to myself, 'Well, I'm sure that if I love him enough, I wouldn't care about his looks', but you know what? I don't think I can do that, just yet. 

Maybe I am waiting for some good-looking/average guy to knock at my door. But.. Somehow, I think that it would be impossible.. Don't know why I think that. But I do. I really do like R. But, maybe it's coz I can't handle the criticism of 'Why the hell are you going out with a guy like him?' and all that. Or maybe it's really the fact that his appearance REALLy does not capture my heart. I wish he would look average at least. I don't care whether he's got money or not. Average wealth is fine to me. I just want what he's got in the inside, and possibly, a better looking outside... I hope. 

And maybe when that day finally comes, it would be too late. Maybe he would've found someone else who like him for who he is -from the inside and out. Or maybe.. I would've found someone better? But who knows. All I know is that I want someone like him. But a bit better looking on the outside. He's perfect on the inside. But not so perfect on the outside. *sigh* But don't worry. I will still be thinking about this situation. I want to go out with him and become his gf, but.. there are just so many 'buts'. I think I'm thinking like this is all mainly focused on his appearance. Sorry R. You will have to wait longer...

So Bored..

Well, not a lot has been happening lately. Just you know, right now is the start of the exam month/'season'. And I have been preparing for my physical geography exam (which was this morning) for like the last 5 or so days. Man, was it hard work, cramming everything into my head or what? I kept

getting distracted... and seem to always lose concentration. Well, I guess I finally got through. Though last night, I practically 'died'. Felt so wasted, so tired, so sleepy. Got about 3 hours nap. Wasn't that comfy but was an OK sleep. But felt good and recharged afterwards! Yeah, so I woke up at 7.30 a.m. to go take a shower and then spend a couple of minutes studying for my geo exam. Did some last minute studying and yeah, went into the exam room. When it started, sort of did alright in Section A. Sort of OK in Section B and didn't do Section C, as I had no idea on any of those topics. One thing I'm pissed about is, that I screwed up the Carbon cycle! And last night, my brother (DC) was teaching me and telling me about it. *Sigh* What a let down =(

Anyways. So I've only got two more exams to go. The Chinese and the Japanese one. Hope it all goes well!

Hmm.. Well, recently, K asked me this question on Facebook (FB), "When are you going to give me your heart.. hahaha". This question got asked was mainly coz of this FB application. I think it was called the 'Give Hearts' application(?). Yeah, well, I give him those hearts, pretty much everyday. But I also give them to other people too. He said that as well as saying that the heart that I had just given was a 'very nice heart'. So I answered to that 'unusual' question, 'Umm... I don't know.' and then yeah, he asked me again, and I said that I didn't know what he was talking about, and he said that I was a smart girl, and that I should be able to work it out. I told him that I didn't want to get the wrong idea, and so yeah, he won't tell me, but I'm hoping that it's not what I think it is...

I mean, I wouldn't know what to do if you know.. it's actually what I think it is, that he's trying to get 'through' to me. So yeah... I'd like to know, but at the same time, I don't want to know the truth...

Mmm.. I'm feeling so tired and restless here.. I have a sore back at the moment... I have nothing much to do... I want to go see R, but I don't know whether he is up yet or not (even though it's like 2.51 p.m now) and I think maybe he will be studying...? So yeah.. and I don't want to go home yet... Man. I feel so .. miserable(?) and bored over here... *sigh*

Close Buddies

Yep. Once again, I haven't been blogging for quite a while. 

Well anyways, yesterday was R's birthday. So I decided to get him a birthday cake, coz he said he wanted a chocolate cake from New World. But the thing was, I didn't realize that the cake that he wanted was the one on Pioneer Highway not the one on Broadway Ave. Luckily! I went with H after I helped him out with his essay and having lunch with him and his friend. Yeah, so we went to the one on Broadway Ave first, by bus. We went there, and we 

couldn't find the one that he wanted, so we went to Woolworths across the street. We couldn't find any. But I think we bought some nice silver candles from there. So went carried on with out trip, by foot(!), in the rain (it was raining every now and then), very windy too! We walked back to Downtown, as I had needed to go to the bathroom, on the way there, I saw that hot BK manager again!! *yay* ^^ 

So me and H were just walking from A to B. It was pretty far I tell you. I think it took us about 20 minutes to walk all the way t the Pioneer Highway New World. Was sure  a tough journey.. But luckily I had company with me! We made quite a few trips to other shops and places for the candles, decorations for his (R's) cake and also H wanted to go rent out a game. Man, we walked for like 2 - 3 hours, straight up. And man, were we tired or what?! Finally, when we were just outside his place, we had to decorate his cake with some candles we bought on the way, from Pak 'n' Save. They were some "Happy Birthday" candles. Very pretty after we decorated the cake. Of course. We missed out one thing, the lighter, so we could light up the candle. And R said that he doesn't  have one at his place. But we went to his place anyway

s, since we were so tired. When we got there, I said 'happy Birthday' to him. And then we just sat down on his bed and watched this Cantonese drama with him. After that, we just mucked around in his room, K2 said that we will have dinner at 6.30 p.m. and I got hungry so i searched for food in his room (haha) and  I found some panda cookie thing to eat. Was good enough for my stomach. Shut my stomach up for then.

So we went out at about 6.45 p.m. We finally decided that we would go to Aqaba to have dinner. I ordered a Thai Green Curry Chicken, R ordered a Scotch Fillet -he also had dessert (Black Forest Cheesecake) afterwards too, and H ordereed the same Scotch fillet and I'm not really sure what K2 ordered. But it was some sorta fish fillet thing. Was a great atmosphere. We all laughed, talked, joked around and everything. Was certainly a good night. Then about  8 p.m. we went back to his place, me and H had to go to Countdown, to go buy a lighter so we could light up the candles. When we got back, we went into their kitchen place and we lit the candles and all, got cameras out, put the lights on, etc etc. We sang him the "Happy Birthday" song and then R blew out the candles. And then we finally got to eat the chocolate gâteaux (cake). Was yum. K2 thought it was better than (who I think it was - R's ex gf's) cake from some years ago... But R disagreed. I didn't care. Coz for K2 liked it, so I'm all good with that! =)

After eating that one piece of cake, we washed the dishes, we just all crowded around the sink, while me and H were washing the dishes. And then we all went back to R's room. We then decided to go home, so K2 took me and H home at about 9 p.m. 

Hmmm!! I think it was a great day! Though I still can't believe that I had to go through ALL that just for R! (haha), I think that was the FIRST time ever, that I have ever done such thing. But in the end, I knew it was worth it, considering that I would have nothing else to give him on his first birthday celebration with me! ^^ I think altogether i spent about $30 on his birthday ("present"). But it's worth it, coz he's such a good friend! 

Not Bad

Yeah. So long time no blogging. Hmm.. Well here are my thoughts. 

I've decided to give up on K2, seeing as there are absolutely no chance that I will ever get a chance to be his girlfriend. And it's not like he's showing any interests to me.. =( Sad. I know. But that's OK. At least now I don;t have to be hung up on some stupid guy (even though he is still me friend - though we aren't that close). 

Also, I still have R, so it's OK. We can still have fun together. And I know that R doesn't like me (more than a friend), coz he told me that, he talks differently to the girl he likes (apparently that Malaysian girl we saw at IPC. He think she's hot. But I think she looks really.. boring ><>

AND! I met a new friend, H. Though you could say we sorta met via Facebook - R's page (haha). So we got to know each other and talked a lot on Facebook and then got each others numbers and then started talking on MSN. Yeah. Apparently he's seen me around at uni (that's pretty much how we first had our 'convo'). BUt to be honest, I have never seen him around at uni before... @_@ H is a good guy. He's very kind, and a very forgiving person. Though.. Honestly... He's not that great looking. BUT! He's got style. And you know? It doesn't seem to bother me that much, how guys don't look so 'hot'. It's the INSIDE that counts. 

I mean, I thought K2 was hot and all. But do I have a chance with him? No. I don't think so. But for now, I like to think of all of my guy mates, just as friends! xD Makes my life easier. Less things to think about.