Oh dear Lord. So H has sent me a message on FB. This time, K let me read it, although at the start he was like, "DON'T GO ON FB!!!" And I was like, why? He told me why and I promised him I wouldn't over-think too much into his [H] words this time, like that other time. So he finally agreed to let me read it.
After reading it, he was saying how he wishes to hear my side of the story, as he has expressed his side. And that he is not here to argue. And that after what happened [couple of days ago], he is definitely NOT going to keep his feelings and to try harder to throw them away. This is the part where he gets me all mad(!!!!)
He said that, he hopes that I pay more attention to my friends. "The people who cares" and telling me to consider his feelings. And I was just like thinking to myself, Chhyeah. Whateverrr! I don't need you to tell me what to do! >:O
But yeah, whatever, like I said before, I am not going to think too much into this. I don't care about him. He want to be my friend. Deal with it. Love me for who I am, or leave! I don't care. I know who I am and that I care for all the people around me [that care for me as much]. So if he can't feel it. Screw it! I don't care.
K is right. He's not worth my time. He can be a loner for all I freaking care! I know he don't have a lot of 'close friends' that he can hang out with, so I thought I'd be the nice one and hang out with him. And be his friend. But no. He says I was being "OVER-FRIENDLY" and that I "don't care about my friends". Like, whatever, you stupid emo kid! Screw you! xP
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
His Email
So he [H] actually emailed me last night instead of texting me or FB-ing me. I only got to read a bit of it. Coz I had just finished work @Valleygirl and it was like nearly 10pm by the time I got out. So Obviously, as usual, I went ofer to R's place and waited for my mom and sister to come and pick me up.
When I actually remembered to sign into hotmail, after FB-ing, I saw that there was an email from him. So I clicked it open. And man, it was ONE, LONG AS email. I only managed to read like 1/4 of that message. And then my sister and mom had arrived.
So when I got home, was on the phone with K. and in a way, I wanted to ask him about his ex-girlfriend, then in another way... I sort of didn't want to. But it was too late, I had already started it. I had asked him, "Can I ask you a question?" It WAS supposedly, suppose to be about his ex-girlfriend.... But I knew he wouldn't be overly impressed with the fact that I had brought it up again... So I ended up telling him about H's email to me. Telling him to open it and read it to me.
It was too long, so K decided to pretty much summarize it. And it went something like, how H thinks that I'm inconsiderate as a friend, not caring about his feelings, and all that stuff. Coz while I was happily shopping, he was most likely, bored, and like 'left out', maybe? And saying that I didn't care about him and that he had walked around The Plaza like a billion times, up and down. And yeah. Stuff like that.
K said that he will delete that email and send it to him [K] and then send it back to me, AFTER my exams. Coz he didn't want, what he [H] said about me, to effect my mood and my study mode.
In a way, I felt real.. upset after reading -or rather, hearing that. Coz he [H] said that I didn't care about the people around me and at the same time, K said the same thing about me too... So.. It just got to me. And I ended up having a little cry... I guess it was the fact that "reality kicked in".
Maybe I am inconsiderate and selfish. Maybe I am the person who doesn't care about the people that are around me... I even asked k that, but he said not selfish, coz what I did, was totally normal [reaction]. But with caring about the people around me, he said sometimes I don't care about them. Like, I'm off in my own little world, and forget that they are there.
I asked R if that "shopper" was inconsiderate and selfish. And he said no.
I mean, yeah, I admit, I do get carried away when it comes to shopping. Coz in a way, it's like soo exciting and I like want to get it over and done with. You know?
Well.. K won't allow me to reply to the email or read it yet. He said I will be able to reply it after my exams. And he also said that H is not worth it. He's not a keeper [friend]. Just lose him as a friend. Coz he doesn't respect me and that he expects too much from me. Like, all the care and stuff. And asking me to tell him where I am and all. He [K] said that's too much from friend status. The way he's asking you to care for him, is more like a boyfriend-girlfirend kind of way, rather than a friend kind of way. I was like hmm...
SO! Right now! I jus really need to focus, focus, focus! On my studies!! More exams next week!! Arrrrghhh!
When I actually remembered to sign into hotmail, after FB-ing, I saw that there was an email from him. So I clicked it open. And man, it was ONE, LONG AS email. I only managed to read like 1/4 of that message. And then my sister and mom had arrived.
So when I got home, was on the phone with K. and in a way, I wanted to ask him about his ex-girlfriend, then in another way... I sort of didn't want to. But it was too late, I had already started it. I had asked him, "Can I ask you a question?" It WAS supposedly, suppose to be about his ex-girlfriend.... But I knew he wouldn't be overly impressed with the fact that I had brought it up again... So I ended up telling him about H's email to me. Telling him to open it and read it to me.
It was too long, so K decided to pretty much summarize it. And it went something like, how H thinks that I'm inconsiderate as a friend, not caring about his feelings, and all that stuff. Coz while I was happily shopping, he was most likely, bored, and like 'left out', maybe? And saying that I didn't care about him and that he had walked around The Plaza like a billion times, up and down. And yeah. Stuff like that.
K said that he will delete that email and send it to him [K] and then send it back to me, AFTER my exams. Coz he didn't want, what he [H] said about me, to effect my mood and my study mode.
In a way, I felt real.. upset after reading -or rather, hearing that. Coz he [H] said that I didn't care about the people around me and at the same time, K said the same thing about me too... So.. It just got to me. And I ended up having a little cry... I guess it was the fact that "reality kicked in".
Maybe I am inconsiderate and selfish. Maybe I am the person who doesn't care about the people that are around me... I even asked k that, but he said not selfish, coz what I did, was totally normal [reaction]. But with caring about the people around me, he said sometimes I don't care about them. Like, I'm off in my own little world, and forget that they are there.
I asked R if that "shopper" was inconsiderate and selfish. And he said no.
I mean, yeah, I admit, I do get carried away when it comes to shopping. Coz in a way, it's like soo exciting and I like want to get it over and done with. You know?
Well.. K won't allow me to reply to the email or read it yet. He said I will be able to reply it after my exams. And he also said that H is not worth it. He's not a keeper [friend]. Just lose him as a friend. Coz he doesn't respect me and that he expects too much from me. Like, all the care and stuff. And asking me to tell him where I am and all. He [K] said that's too much from friend status. The way he's asking you to care for him, is more like a boyfriend-girlfirend kind of way, rather than a friend kind of way. I was like hmm...
SO! Right now! I jus really need to focus, focus, focus! On my studies!! More exams next week!! Arrrrghhh!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
His Ex-Girlfriend. Part 2
We were on the phone this afternoon. And he told me that I his ex-girlfriend is similar to me.. Oh my gosh... But our attitude is a bit different. He said that she is more considerate of [his] feelings more than I am. And the fact that I always talk back to him and she wouldn't/doesn't [when they were together]. Also, I don't listen to the things that he tell me to do/not to do [whereas she would]. And that I'm not that considerate. Only sometimes. Like :O
I was like, "Oh ok.. So now it's like I'm getting compared to her aye?" And he sort of got defensive and said, "No. Of course not." But somehow, that just made me think more. I mean, yeah I know, I told him that if he talked about his ex-girlfriend's I wouldn't mind and I told him that I would definitely not get jealous or think negative when he tells me stuff about them. But this time, I seriously cannot help but to think negative... In a way..
I said, that he must've gotten over her [his 3rd ex-girlfriend. Apparently his most memorable and best relationship ever] by now coz he had another 2 girlfriends after her. Then he had to just.. Say that he realized that the other two weren't as good as the 3rd one, so he broke it off with them. Or they broke off with him in the end. I don't know whether they knew about this. But I found it really sad..
I mean, now that I know that I am "similar" to her and all. And that he somewhat compares me to her. It's like, 'oh sorry.. I'm just not good enough for you, like she was aye?' But yeah. I just didn't want to say any of this to him... I don't want him to get all worried-mode on me. I want him to keep telling me things about her. I don't know. Now it sounds like I'm comparing myself to her... :/
Later on, I felt like asking him, why they broke up. But then I thought it would be random just asking him after like 3hrs later. So yeah.. When he called me later on at night, I really, really, really(!!) wanted to ask him, but I just couldn't seem to bring out the courage to ask him... He did say that, that relationship was the best he's ever had and all the memories of that relationship is the most clearest and painful at the same time. So... Then again, I don't have the heart to dig out the sad side [breaking up] of his most memorable relationship... But I really do want to know..
Oh it's really bothering me. Although I know that they won't get back together, as she has gone back to China, a couple of weeks ago. But they still keep in touch. I really think that this:
If ex's can still be friends, they are either:
1. Still in love.
OR
2. They never were [in love].
1. Still in love.
OR
2. They never were [in love].
Is true. I think that he is still in love with her [But I don't think she has those feelings for him, maybe??]. Maybe not as much. But I know he still has those feelings for her.. And I guess that is what's killing me inside... Slowly...
And I keep thinking/comparing myself to her. Like, trying to be more considerate of him -and others! I don't know. I'm going crazy!!! @O@
And I keep thinking/comparing myself to her. Like, trying to be more considerate of him -and others! I don't know. I'm going crazy!!! @O@
Long Time No See/Talk
Today was the first time in ages that me and H finally talked. Like face-to-face.
I mean, no. I wouldn't say it was that awkward. But I think it was a tad awkward and hard for him. I don't know. But yeah, like I always do, I always like to pretend nothing had/has happened and act like normal. So... I was OK with it.
But he kept coming back into the [computer] lab and seeing and talking to me. Like, did he really miss me that much? In the end, he asked what I was doing later and I said that I was going to go to town and eat and then shop. He said that he'd come along with me. I was like, erm. Sure.
So I met up with my older sister as I needed to change my shoes for work. He missed the bus [with me] coz he had to hand in his assignment, so he took the next one and was late. I finished eating my delicious duck noodle soup @Thai House Express. Man I'm loving that dish right now! xD Haha. When I walked out, he had arrived and we went to Chada Thai to get my sister a almond bubble tea.
Since he wanted to eat @Bean Cafe, and it wasn't opened yet [opens at 5pm], I said we should go shopping. So we walked to The Plaza, and my sister went home. I went straight to TEMT, he said he needed to check his [bank] account so he told me to go ahead, I was like, OK. I was like trying on clothes and took about 30mins and then didn't buy anything. HE texted me and said to text him when I was done, so I did.
Then I walked over to Valleygirl and MAN, I spent like $109 there for 4x items. SHEESH! In a way.. I sort of left him alone, when all he wanted was to spend some time with me [I guess?] By the time I had finished shopping and paying for all that, it was time for me to work [at 5.30pm] so he had to got and eat by himself and then go home.
He looked like he was bothered about something. Maybe it was coz of me? Leaving him all by himself while I was like la-la-la happily shopping? Probably aye....? :/ Asked him what's wrong and he said nothing and that he'd text it to me tonight, whatever the problem is [right now] I was like, um. OK? He seriously looked like he was upset about something and on the verge of crying.
Don't know what his problem is. But I saw that on FB he said "Goodbye to FB" or something like that. And he blogs with Xanga, and he said that even Xanga can't help him express his feelings or something. I was like, Hmm.. There IS definitely SOMETHING wrong.. Coz of me, maybe? :/
Wonder what's wrong with him aye.... :/
But he kept coming back into the [computer] lab and seeing and talking to me. Like, did he really miss me that much? In the end, he asked what I was doing later and I said that I was going to go to town and eat and then shop. He said that he'd come along with me. I was like, erm. Sure.
So I met up with my older sister as I needed to change my shoes for work. He missed the bus [with me] coz he had to hand in his assignment, so he took the next one and was late. I finished eating my delicious duck noodle soup @Thai House Express. Man I'm loving that dish right now! xD Haha. When I walked out, he had arrived and we went to Chada Thai to get my sister a almond bubble tea.
Since he wanted to eat @Bean Cafe, and it wasn't opened yet [opens at 5pm], I said we should go shopping. So we walked to The Plaza, and my sister went home. I went straight to TEMT, he said he needed to check his [bank] account so he told me to go ahead, I was like, OK. I was like trying on clothes and took about 30mins and then didn't buy anything. HE texted me and said to text him when I was done, so I did.
Then I walked over to Valleygirl and MAN, I spent like $109 there for 4x items. SHEESH! In a way.. I sort of left him alone, when all he wanted was to spend some time with me [I guess?] By the time I had finished shopping and paying for all that, it was time for me to work [at 5.30pm] so he had to got and eat by himself and then go home.
He looked like he was bothered about something. Maybe it was coz of me? Leaving him all by himself while I was like la-la-la happily shopping? Probably aye....? :/ Asked him what's wrong and he said nothing and that he'd text it to me tonight, whatever the problem is [right now] I was like, um. OK? He seriously looked like he was upset about something and on the verge of crying.
Don't know what his problem is. But I saw that on FB he said "Goodbye to FB" or something like that. And he blogs with Xanga, and he said that even Xanga can't help him express his feelings or something. I was like, Hmm.. There IS definitely SOMETHING wrong.. Coz of me, maybe? :/
Wonder what's wrong with him aye.... :/
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Exam 1
Done my first exam today. Was Japanese Film. Sheesh. Was sort of hard. Well, not really. The first section was pretty straight-forward and easy aye. But the second section, it was alright, not too bad. Probably will get at least half of them all correct.. Hopefully! Haha. And the last section, oh gosh. Having to write a 1000 words essay! Man! That's crazy! Rambled on with whatever. Hoping it's relevant.. Or most likely it's not.. Haha.
Oh well! now I gotta study and get onto with my Japanese [language] and Chinese [language]!! Or I'm SCREWED! Especially for the Japanese man!! Eeep!!! x( Arrgh. Man I hate Japanese. The grammatical structures are soo damn hard to remember!!
Oh well! now I gotta study and get onto with my Japanese [language] and Chinese [language]!! Or I'm SCREWED! Especially for the Japanese man!! Eeep!!! x( Arrgh. Man I hate Japanese. The grammatical structures are soo damn hard to remember!!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Work - Again
Oh deary me. Seems like I haven't had much luck at work latey..
Did this major complex and out-of-it problem at on Wednesday. All of us [managers + me] we like what the hell did I [Q] do?? O___o it was SUCH a hassle! I felt soo bad doing it!!
And then TODAY! I made another mistake. I UNDER-CHARGED a customer $20. Oh sigh... And they haven't found out it was me -yet! But they will soon. They know that there is a post-difference of $20. But not sure who done it. And soon, they will know it's me. I somewhat feel scared. Coz i hate getting into trouble and when I make mistakes, I feel so down -like it's the end of the world or something. And yet, I make so many mistakes. I think this is the third mistake that I have made during my [about] 4 months of employment @Valleygirl :( And man. It hasn't even been 6 months and I have done THREE mistakes on the till already :( Man I suck.
Don't know WHY I did that. But I did. Maybe it's from the stress/pressure of the strict as store policies and the fact that I know that we are being watched [constantly] through the cameras at the head office [in Auckland and Australia], and that makes me soo nervous!! And probably the fact that I have exams, and I'm stressing out a bit.... Yeah... I just need to chill.... And CALM DOWN.....
I have only told K. He did his best in comforting me. And I thank him for that. Being there for me when I most need it. He's certainly improving from when we were dating at first :)
So yeah. I will DEFINITELY HAVE TO:
1. SLOW DOWN - DON'T RUSH!! TAKE MY TIME!! LIKE SERIOUSLY
2. READ/LOOK CAREFULLY AT THE PRICE
and
3. DOUBLE CHECK!!!!
whenever I am working at the counter. Or I'm going to be SCREWED -AGAIN! And I really don't want to be having another "talk" with my mangers :( esp P [SSM] coz she always has my back and looks out for me. I don't want to cause any more trouble for her coz of me :( And I know that L [SM] has my back too. But I know she wouldn't be too impressed knowing that I continue to make more mistakes x(
Hopefully I won't make another mistake, any time soon!!! xO
Did this major complex and out-of-it problem at on Wednesday. All of us [managers + me] we like what the hell did I [Q] do?? O___o it was SUCH a hassle! I felt soo bad doing it!!
And then TODAY! I made another mistake. I UNDER-CHARGED a customer $20. Oh sigh... And they haven't found out it was me -yet! But they will soon. They know that there is a post-difference of $20. But not sure who done it. And soon, they will know it's me. I somewhat feel scared. Coz i hate getting into trouble and when I make mistakes, I feel so down -like it's the end of the world or something. And yet, I make so many mistakes. I think this is the third mistake that I have made during my [about] 4 months of employment @Valleygirl :( And man. It hasn't even been 6 months and I have done THREE mistakes on the till already :( Man I suck.
Don't know WHY I did that. But I did. Maybe it's from the stress/pressure of the strict as store policies and the fact that I know that we are being watched [constantly] through the cameras at the head office [in Auckland and Australia], and that makes me soo nervous!! And probably the fact that I have exams, and I'm stressing out a bit.... Yeah... I just need to chill.... And CALM DOWN.....
I have only told K. He did his best in comforting me. And I thank him for that. Being there for me when I most need it. He's certainly improving from when we were dating at first :)
So yeah. I will DEFINITELY HAVE TO:
1. SLOW DOWN - DON'T RUSH!! TAKE MY TIME!! LIKE SERIOUSLY
2. READ/LOOK CAREFULLY AT THE PRICE
and
3. DOUBLE CHECK!!!!
whenever I am working at the counter. Or I'm going to be SCREWED -AGAIN! And I really don't want to be having another "talk" with my mangers :( esp P [SSM] coz she always has my back and looks out for me. I don't want to cause any more trouble for her coz of me :( And I know that L [SM] has my back too. But I know she wouldn't be too impressed knowing that I continue to make more mistakes x(
Hopefully I won't make another mistake, any time soon!!! xO
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Fine Now
So we are all good now :) I ended up texting him through my older sister's phone, coz he texted her first asking how work was and all.
I asked him what's wrong. He told "my sister" that he had hung up on me and all. Told me that he was sad and lost. I felt so sad and worried about him.
So in the end, at about 8pm, I texted him back. Throughout the day, he kept texting me. He even called me twice. But I was at work then. So I couldn't even pick up or hear it. He thought that I purposely ignored his calls.
We talked it out. He kept saying it was his fault and said that we should jsut blame him. End of story. I was like aww, it can't always be your fault :( But we're fine now. We ended up chatting on the phone like every other night. And now, he won't EVER want to hang up first. Coz he doesn't want to be so "rude" and hang up on me like the other night :)
He's just so adorable. I love him so much. I can really feel that he doesn't want to lose me. I love him tons and tons. And I never want to let go of such an awesome guy like him. He's the best. I miss him so much.
Seems like, after every little fight or argument that we have, I tend to miss him more than usual :/ I don't know why. Maybe it's coz I'm scared I'd lose him? I don't know. But all I know is, that I love him heaps. And I miss him TONS. I really wish that we lived together or that we lived in the same city. That way, I get to see him more and get more hugs and cuddles with him when I need and want them :)
I miss his touch :(
I asked him what's wrong. He told "my sister" that he had hung up on me and all. Told me that he was sad and lost. I felt so sad and worried about him.
So in the end, at about 8pm, I texted him back. Throughout the day, he kept texting me. He even called me twice. But I was at work then. So I couldn't even pick up or hear it. He thought that I purposely ignored his calls.
We talked it out. He kept saying it was his fault and said that we should jsut blame him. End of story. I was like aww, it can't always be your fault :( But we're fine now. We ended up chatting on the phone like every other night. And now, he won't EVER want to hang up first. Coz he doesn't want to be so "rude" and hang up on me like the other night :)
He's just so adorable. I love him so much. I can really feel that he doesn't want to lose me. I love him tons and tons. And I never want to let go of such an awesome guy like him. He's the best. I miss him so much.
Seems like, after every little fight or argument that we have, I tend to miss him more than usual :/ I don't know why. Maybe it's coz I'm scared I'd lose him? I don't know. But all I know is, that I love him heaps. And I miss him TONS. I really wish that we lived together or that we lived in the same city. That way, I get to see him more and get more hugs and cuddles with him when I need and want them :)
I miss his touch :(
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