Give up?

I went down to Wellington with K yesterday, along with C as well. And during that day. You could say it was fun and different to what I do daily here in PN. But like, as the second or whatever, time, goes by, that I am hanging out with K, I feel like we're getting closer and closer to each other coz of the fact that we are seeing or hanging out with each other so much.

But anyways, the point is, during that whole day that we were together, I felt that MAYBE he had some feelings for me. Coz he like you know, jokingly put his arm around me and said, "If I put my arm around you, then people will know that you are taken by me." I laughed, but in a way, I don't know, but like, it felt good, but sort of like it didn't mean that much to me either. He also put his hand around my waist.. or my back, should I say? Yeah, that felt nice in a way. (Nothing dirty or anything OK??) He also asked me whether I was cold and offered and lent me his jacket. Like he insisted on me to wear it coz it was cold. I mean it was very nice of him. But like, I dunno. I don't know why he did all those gestures, even though knowingly it was just like a joke and nothing serious. And like why he cared that much really, even though he said that if I caught a cold, my mom would probably go psycho at him (haha). But, ARRGH. Like he doesn't do these kinds of things often to me. So I don't know. ><>

But all my happy happy fa la la la la feelings towards him soon changed. Coz as we (me, K, C and their other friend whom I just meet properly, HO (he's a guy by the way. Just the "abbreviation is a tad.. strange haha), walked to the beach in Wellington, he called someone (most likely a girl), coz he said something like that person has a presentation tomorrow or something and was wanting to wish that person good luck.

I mean, the conversation probably lasted for like 10 - 20 minutes or so. But like still, he was like talking very nice and soothingly towards that person. And I know that a guy like him would least likely to be calling a guy a 9.30pm just to wish them good luck. So it had to be a girl. But either way, I guess you could say I got a tad jealous. Coz knowingly he never actually calls me to wish me good luck for anything. Not even my exams!! But anyways, I guess we aren't really that close anyways. Coz I'm sure that person whom he called lives in Auckland like him. So... yeah.. I dunno.

And then during that walk to the beach and all, he and C kept like annoying me with always bringing uip R. Like saying, "Oh she's quiet coz she misses R and wishes to talk to him and keep her warm." and "She must be texting R." And all those stupid lines. But like ARRGH. It gets sooo freakin' fustrating and annoying. Besides the fact that it IS K who is like joining in as well. It's like, gosh! stop it will you guys?? But then again, I don't want to come across as some agro girl.

So as K was driving us back to PN at about 10.30pm, I felt quite exhausted and tired and sleepy as well. I slept for a bit then woke up coz the ride got too bumpy and I couldn't really sleep properly. And so I woke up and starting thinking to myself, why is he being so nice to me, yet he has that special someone already?? I mean, yeah, he can keep his options open (kind of like the way I am -I think) but like ... I don't know. He shouldn't be so nice to me and then let me know that he's got that special someone too.

Now I think, do I really like him, or is this another one of my guy-liking phases?? I guess, out of all the guys I know, the only guys I'd most likely to give it a go, is with HI, K or A. So... I dunno, we'll see how everything goes. Like, I don't want to know that K has a girlfriend later on the years, though it would be a good thing, considering he is... getting old. And obviously his parents would want him to get married and start a family. I'm still young and don't want to get tied down already. So... In a way, I guess I could say, "If he's happy, I'm happy."

Stuck in the Middle. . .

Now I have realized, how hard it is to choose between two guys, regardless of what the reasons are. (Like whether they both like you or that you like both of them).

So it goes like this, H likes me and he sort of like recently started sweet talking me and like sort of constantly reminding me of the fact that he likes me. Coz before, he wouldn't mention it and neither of us would. But now it's like getting brought up constantly and like pretty much everyday. In a way, he is sort of getting to me with all this sweet talk and constant talks about his feelings and all. Like, I feel that, maybe it is OK if I go out with him. Like yes, I have thought about it. For a while now. But then I know that before, you could say, that I DID sort of had teeny tiny feelings for K. So here comes the second part.

I've liked K since like about.... May(?), but then like he works and lives in Auckland, so we don't get to talk/text each other that often. So there goes the communication error. If we don't communicate, it feels like he's not part of my life anymore, like I don't necessarily remember him. Though I DO remember him. Just don't remember how he's actually like and all. And so that's when about like amonth later, I decide that liking him or even thinking about going out with him would be pointless, coz he's hardly around and we hardly talk when he's not here in PN. So we can't get any closer and even if we did go out, I would feel sooo sad and lonely coz he's not here with me :( and that I can't see him that often.

But then, he came back down to PN last thursday. He said he came down to celebrate my birthday and his dad's birthday. It was very touching indeed. Whether it was the truth or not, I guess, it's the thought that counts, right? So he and I text quite a lot now that he is pretty much free and doesn't have to work. And then all those feelings for him come back and that's when I push aside H.

All I want is K right now. But I know that when he does go back to Auckland, me and him will lose that part of communication again, although we do text sometimes when he's back in Auckland. But the good and thing that I'm most looking forward to IS! that the fact he's taking me up to Auckland this sunday!! Oh my gosh! I'm so excited!! xD But then soon enough, we will be 'parting' again and I'd most likely go back to H.

I guess the only thing that I'm "scared" of is the fact of me, maybe having to lose K as a friend. LIke a good friend, you know> Coz a lot of guys, tend to distance themselves to girls that are taken (suddenly) coz they don't want to cause trouble and all. So... That's why I don't want to go out with anyone right now really... *sigh* hard decisions huh??

Mix Feelings. Confusion and Complications.

Hmm... So lately, as you would have known, me and H has been talking a lot. And yes, he has said before that he won't give up and that he will try to make me like him/have those feelings for him (somewhere along those lines anyways), and like, I never knew that this day would ever come... I though I'd never ever think of him this way and actually.. like him? Oh I don't even know whether I acutally like him or not!!

Like, he sweet talks a lot to me, and in a way, I take it in, and I like feel really happy deep down whenever he says it to me. He makes me smile.But then again, I know I have said that about a lot of other guys. OK. Maybe not "a lot!" but like, quite a few guys that I actually like.. Or liked before?

Arrggh! I don't know! i think about us going out, like, as a couple, and being exposed to the world. I mean, I think about everything? Like, to what we do as a couple to what will happen when we break up. Most importantly, what my mum and his 'people' (e.g. his aunty, mom, cousin) thinks. I mean, if we ever break up, would they go holding a grudge against me -or my mom?? I just hope that day will never come. But I wouldn't want to carry on a relationship if it's coz I don't want others to think of us badly. And in a way, I don't want to lose another 'good' opportunity.

Like, with my 'ex' J. So yeah... Sort of regret I never actually go out with him (couple-wise), though, it's just a LITTLE bit of regret. Not like a whole lot. I'm just real confused rightnow. I mean, I keep thinking about "other options." Am I greedy? Selfish? I dunno. Whatever.

I guess, that 'quote' that I read from this magazine is right. Something about, taking the opportunity to do what you want, is better than to, regret it (for the rest of your life) coz you did not take the opportunity. I think I will live by this now. Let me go and find that quote again. And write it out nicely... haha. Hope I'll be able to find it again.

I don't want to be playing along with him and make him fall so deep into this "trap" that he can't get out of it... Just like Je. I mean he's liked me for about 1 year or 2. And people still thinks he likes me. And yet he's got a girlfriend. So yeah... Wouldn't want H to go through that as well....

I'll have to think about it VERY VERY deeply and CAREFULLY. Don't want to make a wrong move. Though time waits for no one...

Brain-washed

Well, it seems that recently, me and H has been hanging out quite a lot -though not like everyday like we did for a whole week last time, but just like, hanging out whenever we can. And we text a lot as well. Like every day and night. Though sometimes we may run out of things to say, we still end up texting each other until like, 12am or sometimes later than that.

It's like our friendship is starting to get better and we're getting closer than before. It's a good thing. Though we both know, that he's got feelings for me. He says that he feels that we are MORE than just best friends. But like, I don't feel like that. I feel that we are really close friends (like best friends), but yeah.

Like, now that we are like pretty close, and like he sort of sweet talks to me, saying things such as, 'you're the first and last thing on my mind everyday.' It's like aww. Though, yes, quite a few guys has said that to me. But like, H means it. And guys that say stuff and means it, is aww!! So cute! and I have a huge weakness for cute things/people. I go all soft and everything! ><>:O Awww!! I dunno!! What should I do. Guess I better get it sorted VERY SOON!! I mean he like wishes that one day, I will like him back. But I don't want to lead him on if that day is never gonna happen...

Coz I mean, I don't think it's a good idea that we go out... Coz my mum and his mum knows each other (he doesn't know that). But like, I know this is a bad thing to think about, but like, if we do end up in a messy break up, it would be one awkward situation for my mum -if not for both mum's. So, I don't really want to put my mum through this -or his mum.

But then again, it's like, a lot fo couples have met each others parents before and may have ended their relationship -good or bad, and I'm pretty sure that their parents are till on good terms with each other.

But I dunno. Don't want to risk it yet. GAHH!! He just needs to stop sweet talking me. Coz before when he didn't, I never thought or remembered that he likes me. So now that he does, it's like ARGGH!! Nooo!! stop brain-washing me!! (haha).

Hmm... Well.. We'll see how it goes eh? Fingers Crossed(?)

Stop It!

So now that me and H are all good now, though sometimes I do have the urge to like ignore him, not seeing and everything. But we are still all good now.

But the one things that still annoys me is (besides the stupid Chinese film essay), is that R keeps calling me, "honey", "baby", "wife" and all those other pet names for "lovers" and all, is REALLY starting to piss me off! Like seriously? STOP IT! Enough already!! I'm not your wife OR girlfriend! So just zip it with all those names. And talking like a freakin gay guy! It's soooo not cool man.

Gosh. Told him plenty of times to stop. But he just WON'T!!! >:( GRR. Annoys me so much! Every time he talks like that, it annoys the living hell out of me -straight up! GOSH!

Even talking about it annoys me already. ARRGHH!

Now, I better get back to my essay... (haha)

All good - NOW??

Geez. So it seems that THIS time, everything should be all good between us.

He called me last night, and asked me coz he wanted to have another 'serious' talk with me again, and said he considered not talking to me or that he was not trying to avoid me -but like he shouldn't see me. I was like What the hell man!? Why do you keep doing this? It's so lame. But then he asked me why I was like all weird every time that we saw each other. And so I told him when he called me.

So yes. I guess it's all sorted now. Though I still don't really want to see him now even though he wants to see me. Geez. He can be ever so annoying sometimes. Was like trying to avoid seeing him today at uni when he saw my best friend, S. We were like, he sooo sounds like a stalker. Wanting to know where I was and all. Geez.

Just do his stupid essay already! He said he's got four of them to do! So why don't he get onto it instead of meeting up or seeing his 'beloved'??? GOSH. get your priorities straight bro!! (haha).

Say What!?

I don't get him. Like seriously. He's says that in his blog that, maybe he is right about us hanging out too much, which is why the situation is pretty awkward right now. But to me, it's not.

The reason why the situation has gone all awkward is because of HIM! Like seriously. Even though I had said to him that it is not his fault and to not blame himself. But it actually IS his fault. Not because he told me he liked me and all that. It's cause at one moment he wants me to hang out with him and 'have my attention all the time' or that he's not seeing me enough blah blah blah. And then the next he decides that seeing each other is too much and is making the situation awkward and saying that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a week or a couple of days. Like seriously. Make up your mind, GEEZ!!!

So I wrote on my FB status, "Am I suppose to put my life on hold, because you don't know how to act and you don't know where your life is going?" (But this was just some lyrics from a song, Goodbye - Kristinia DeBarge). Then he has to be a dick and comment on it saying, "Lol I thought you've always loved to live your own way~ since when do you love for others?? :P"
Man. Did that piss me off. What is THAT suppose to mean oi?!

Then he sends me a private mail on FB saying: Not good to explain on your status, will do it here. What I mean is that, it sounds like you are "living for and waiting on someone" :O I thought you didn't want to be "living for and waiting on someone" lor~ haha am I making sense?? :P

To be honest, no. He is not making any sense at all. But whatever. I couldn't be bothered explaining so I didn't reply. He can think what he want. I don't care. I'm gonna leave it as this for now...