When He Was A Kid

He told me his 'life story' last night to me. It was mainly about him as a kid, and what he was like and all. Told me that he was quite a naughty kid when he was young -around about 4 years old. And to me, he sounded naughty but so cute as well. He's just adorable. His childhood sounded much like my father's. Yes, I know, makes my boyfriend sound so old haha. But it's true.

My dad was naughty as a kid. He lived in the country-side. Sort of. Well like his dad was a farmer anyways. And stole fruits and all off other peoples farms to eat. All this, is pretty much what both K and my dad had done when they were kids. It's like whoa, they are so similar.. Haha.

Hmm... I think in quite a few ways, that my boyfriend and my dad are similar. It's scary but amazing at the same time. I guess it's true that in the magazine said that, women tend to go for men that have similar traits to their father. When I read that, I thought it was just impossible and just damn creepy. I mean, it's like, liking your own father more than.. A father? [Haha]. But now.. I have a boyfriend who has similar traits as my father. Sort of. :)

Letting Go?

Recently, I am missing my boyfriend ever sooo much! I don't know why, But I do. I think about him like literally 24/7 and like need to know what he has been up to and all. And wishing that he was right here with me.

I miss him so much that sometimes, it gets so 'painful' that I start to think, whether I should let go of this relationship or not... It's so hard for me. I know it would be hard for him also. But sometimes, I think to myself, I just cannot take this any longer. I want my boyfriend to be with me, live in the same city as me, just so I can see and spend time with him whenever he is free or when I'm free.

But that fact is, we can't. And that's the thing that I'm missing out on the most in my first relationship. Everything is perfect for me in this relationship. Everything besides this distance that we have between us. Although we text and talk on the phone everyday, I still feel this distance that we are so far apart from each other and it's so hard to be able to see each other for a long time.

I don't want to give up this perfect relationship. Especially not with K. I love him so much. I just cannot force myself to let go of such a good guy like him. If I do, I know I will truly regret for the rest of my life. I just wish that time will fly past quickly. So then I will finally be able to graduate, then be able to move up to Auckland and live with him. I miss him so much.

It's like I want to spend every second of my life with him. I don't know whether I will get sick of him, but I'm sure I will at one point. But in the end, I will still love him and go back to him, just like I do with my siblings and parents. Finding them annoying. Wish I could get away from them, and when times pass, and they're not with you anymore, you feel so lonely and need to go back to them and all. If you know what I mean :)

But this long-distance relationship is REALLY REALLY HARD! I don't know why it has to be me that has to be in this long-distance relationship. It's so hard and painful. There are many times where I wish I hadn't gone into this relationship or even just letting go of this relationship. In the end, I cannot force myself to do that.. I love him so much. Hearing his voice and recieving his text messages mean the world to me at the moment, considering how far we are apart from each other. I miss him a lot

No Call

He didn't call me last night as he was busy with work. Somewhat, I felt really lost and lonely. Like, we [me and K] were on the verge of breaking up or something!

All these negative thoughts were coming to me. I don't know why. All the lovely memories that we have had together were rushing to my mind, and I just ended up crying a bit. I kept thinking, 'what would happen when we break up?' Which just caused me to be even more upset.

I don't know why I was so upset over it and it's not the first time that he hasn't called me just before I/we slept. I guess I just missed him a lot. He felt that I was unhappy, but I just said a little. I really did miss him and wanted to hear his voice.

I guess this is what you call "falling in love"? Maybe? Coz just thinking about breaking up, makes me so upset. But then, sometimes, when I do think about you know, leaving this world and that there is nothing to live for, I don't mind 'breaking up' with him like that. But when I re-think, I know deep down, I love him a lot. More than I have for any other guy...

Still Thinking...

Had my last exam yesterday afternoon! Didn't go so well! But oh well! I'm soo glad it's all over now!!! :D

So a couple of nights before, me and K were talking on the phone, and he was talking about our future together. Well not really "together". But we were talking about kids and all. It was very sweet. Until that thought of his ex-girlfriend came along [to my thoughts].

I just keep thinking that, considering he said that I look similar to her, and is somewhat like her [personality], even though she's apparently better. But I still just can't think that he is like treating me as her. Like, I have taken her spot. As in like.. A "replacement" for her. You know what I mean?

I know I shouldn't think like that, and I know his is damn faithful to me. But sometimes, I cannot help, but to think that he is treating me like her. I'm so bad, ain't I? I'm feeling a tad insecure. He tells me he loves me and all. I believe him, but... At the same time, I don't really believe him... Although I WANT to believe him.. But just can't bring myself to..

All I know is that, I, myself, really do love this guy and sometimes think that this relationship is just too damn good to be true... :/

Engraved On His Heart...

I was reading this story in my 20th Century Chinese Literature & Society, Study Guide, as I had to study for my exam [which is this Thursday].

It was called "Trials and Tribulations" by Chi Li. It's about the poor life of the people in China in the 1960's or something like that. And at the start, where the main character Yin Jiahou, leaves for work at the factory with his four year-old son. He says that:

"He knew as well as if he had eyes in the back of his head that a woman with her clothing thrown over her shoulders, her bare heels squashing the back of her shoes and her hair done up in a permanent that looked like a crow's nest was standing forlornly in front of a window in the broken-down row of houses, her face a sallow grey. She was watching father and son as they walked away. This was his wife. Are you sorry that your wife isn't a bit prettier? But think: in the whole world there is only her to see you off and wait for your return."

It's true. Later on, he has this fantasy to 'cheat' on his wife or is thinking of having a mistress or a second wife with his apprentice, Yali. He wipes that away. But this is the part where it got to me.

His old friend sends him a letter, telling him about his life is and that he [his friend] has recently seen Nie Ling, who is supposedly his ex-wife or [ex-]lover. He gets real sensitive when his friend mentions in the letter that she is now married and has a 7 year-old daughter. And when he [his friend] asks her why he [Yin] and her had broken up, she refused to tell him.

When there were women that were look-a-likes of her [Nie Ling], his heart would fluster and when it was confirmed that it wasn't her, he thinks to himself, 'Her name bore not the least resemblance to the one engraved long ago on his heart." He later on even thinks that she [Nie Ling] is the only woman that can make him feel like the way he does and that he will always be in his heart [or something like that] although he has a wife and son.

While I was reading this, it reminded me of K. Coz I mean, it DOES relate to me and him in a way. Although I'm not saying I'm ugly or anything. But the point is, that he DOES have his 3rd ex-girlfriend in his heart. And he DID tell me that he broke up with the 4th and 5th [ex] girlfriends cozhe didn't feel that they were as good as her [3rd ex]. Which caused me to think and think, whether I was good enough for him and thinking that he may compare me to her.

I asked him last night [relevant to the conversation that we had of course. Not just randomly asked him], whether I was the only one [girl] in his heart. He replied "Yes" without thinking. I don't know. Maybe he did think? I don't know. I repeated the question and said 'really?' and he kept saying yes and said, "You seem like you don't believe me...?" I was like, "Nope. I believe you."

But deep down, I just couldn't bring myself to believe him... Knowing that he has HER in his heart, telling me that the other 2 girls weren't good enough, not as good as her, and that relationship with her was the MOST memorable and BEST one and the fact that I look similar to her -somehow.. :/ Now I just can't seem to stop thinking too much into it...

Even when he talks about the future with me, I don't know why, but it seems like I have doubts about it. Like, is he with me coz of her? [look like her] although our attitudes are a tad different, or is it that he won't find another like me -or her [look-a-like]. I don't know! I know I should trust him. Trust his love for me and I KNOW I shouldn't think of him like this [分心/sharing his heart with another [woman] kind of person, you know?]. But at this moment, I can't bring myself to do that.

I'm sorry.. But until the day that he proves to me that he truly loves me, and no one else, then I cannot be like how I was before I found all this out. I don't know how he can do this. But I don't think marriage is the answer either. Coz lilke the story says, her name being engraved on his heart long ago.. So.. marriage doesn't solve anything. And the story i right, "Love and marriage are different subjects".

Sorry... And I cannot tell him this, Coz then he will not tell me anything else about her [and him] and I want to know, even if it hurts.... And kills me inside... Slowly...

Exams 2 & 3

Had my Chinese [written] exam this morning. Wasn't too hard. But wasn't that easy either. Didn't know a few questions, but made an attempt anyways, knowing that it'll be wrong haha. But I'm sure I did quite well :)

Also had my Japanese [written] exam in the afternoon. Was epically hard in a way. I studied so hard(?) for it and to realize after the exam [looking at my notes] the ones that I had been trying to memorize over and over again, but failed to remember DURING the exam. Oh so much fail man! :(

The Kanji was also damn hard. could hardly answer any of them. I hadn't really learnt those.. Mainly been learning the grammatical structures. Although for that part, I still managed to "blank out" for some questions...

But I gotta say. I DID try my hardest. And I would be happy enough to get a C- :/

Fingers crossed.

HIs Email 2

He emailed me again, and the subject line was: I shouldn't have told you off. Please read before you judge.

Just by reading that made me feel like I'm a definite judgemental person or something like that. I was totally unimpressed man. Reading the content, it was just, the same old. same old. Apologizing and what not. And says that he swears that he isn't ever going to feel anything again [besides friends] and that he has made it hard for me to trust him again [that he's over it -I'm guessing]. So yeah.

He even texted me tonight as well. Saying the same old. Telling me to tell my side of the story and to not be angry or upset at him. And to read the email that he had sent me. Blah blah blah.

I even told J about this whole situation. About the shopping "incident" and all as well as the email that he just sent me. He [J] told me that H was being an idiot and told me to stop talking or responding to his messages etc. And that I wasn't wrong [shopping "incident"] and yeah. Told me to just leave it. He's not worth the time blah blah. Pretty much similare to what R and K had told me. Although R thinks that "shopper" is me, but I haven't confirmed it to him yet -which I will later haha.

Well anyways, like I said before [and what K told me], I ain't going to reply until my exams are over. He's not that important.