It was called "Trials and Tribulations" by Chi Li. It's about the poor life of the people in China in the 1960's or something like that. And at the start, where the main character Yin Jiahou, leaves for work at the factory with his four year-old son. He says that:
"He knew as well as if he had eyes in the back of his head that a woman with her clothing thrown over her shoulders, her bare heels squashing the back of her shoes and her hair done up in a permanent that looked like a crow's nest was standing forlornly in front of a window in the broken-down row of houses, her face a sallow grey. She was watching father and son as they walked away. This was his wife. Are you sorry that your wife isn't a bit prettier? But think: in the whole world there is only her to see you off and wait for your return."
It's true. Later on, he has this fantasy to 'cheat' on his wife or is thinking of having a mistress or a second wife with his apprentice, Yali. He wipes that away. But this is the part where it got to me.
His old friend sends him a letter, telling him about his life is and that he [his friend] has recently seen Nie Ling, who is supposedly his ex-wife or [ex-]lover. He gets real sensitive when his friend mentions in the letter that she is now married and has a 7 year-old daughter. And when he [his friend] asks her why he [Yin] and her had broken up, she refused to tell him.
When there were women that were look-a-likes of her [Nie Ling], his heart would fluster and when it was confirmed that it wasn't her, he thinks to himself, 'Her name bore not the least resemblance to the one engraved long ago on his heart." He later on even thinks that she [Nie Ling] is the only woman that can make him feel like the way he does and that he will always be in his heart [or something like that] although he has a wife and son.
While I was reading this, it reminded me of K. Coz I mean, it DOES relate to me and him in a way. Although I'm not saying I'm ugly or anything. But the point is, that he DOES have his 3rd ex-girlfriend in his heart. And he DID tell me that he broke up with the 4th and 5th [ex] girlfriends cozhe didn't feel that they were as good as her [3rd ex]. Which caused me to think and think, whether I was good enough for him and thinking that he may compare me to her.
I asked him last night [relevant to the conversation that we had of course. Not just randomly asked him], whether I was the only one [girl] in his heart. He replied "Yes" without thinking. I don't know. Maybe he did think? I don't know. I repeated the question and said 'really?' and he kept saying yes and said, "You seem like you don't believe me...?" I was like, "Nope. I believe you."
But deep down, I just couldn't bring myself to believe him... Knowing that he has HER in his heart, telling me that the other 2 girls weren't good enough, not as good as her, and that relationship with her was the MOST memorable and BEST one and the fact that I look similar to her -somehow.. :/ Now I just can't seem to stop thinking too much into it...
Even when he talks about the future with me, I don't know why, but it seems like I have doubts about it. Like, is he with me coz of her? [look like her] although our attitudes are a tad different, or is it that he won't find another like me -or her [look-a-like]. I don't know! I know I should trust him. Trust his love for me and I KNOW I shouldn't think of him like this [分心/sharing his heart with another [woman] kind of person, you know?]. But at this moment, I can't bring myself to do that.
I'm sorry.. But until the day that he proves to me that he truly loves me, and no one else, then I cannot be like how I was before I found all this out. I don't know how he can do this. But I don't think marriage is the answer either. Coz lilke the story says, her name being engraved on his heart long ago.. So.. marriage doesn't solve anything. And the story i right, "Love and marriage are different subjects".
Sorry... And I cannot tell him this, Coz then he will not tell me anything else about her [and him] and I want to know, even if it hurts.... And kills me inside... Slowly...
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