Going Back Again

It's only been a day since he left for Auckland again. Yet, I still miss him like mad and think about everything that we had done the past week that he had been here.... I really hate it when he has to go back.... :( I know we've been doing this for nearly 21 months, him coming down to see me every month and then having to go back in a short time. But no matter how long or short the time that he has spent here with me, I know I know I should be use to the whole cycle already.. But in fact, I'm not.. And I don't think I ever will be use to seeing him go.... :(


I don't know why I get so emotional... I know I do love him heaps and never want to see him go, but I've been told to be a little more mature about it. To not get so emotional and always expressing to my family how much I love and miss him. I can't help it.... I just miss that boy so much and want to see him more often than I see him now... I mean seeing him every weekend would be fine with me... But we both lost that chance.


He could've been transferred to Wellington for work. But it got declined and at the same time, I did and didn't want him to. I did cos I do want to see him and I didn't was because I thought that I would get sick of him if I saw him every weekend. But now it's too late as I now know that I would never get sick of him no matter how much I see him. I regret for hoping that he won't be transferred to Wellington.. But there is nothing we can do about it now.. 


I don't understand how guys are able to hold in their feelings so well. Whenever I cry, he comforts me by saying that I shouldn't cry cos then I won't be pretty. He makes me smile so much, even when typing out this makes my eyes fill up with tears... I have a feeling that he does want to cry too but just not in front of me. But sometimes I wish he would show some emotion that he's sad to leave as well. I know he's sad but I want him to show it... 


My mum tells me that he is mature about love and that I should learn that from him as well. I don't know, but I just can't. He is my first and only love. It's so hard on me... I know I will feel better after a few days or a week... I try to tell myself to be more brave and less emotional like him, but I just can't... I want to express all this feeling inside me to him, but I don't want to seem like a crazy emotional girlfriend that seems like she can't live without him. I just miss him so much and want to see him after work or every weekend... I know that I won't be the type of person who will jump off the cliff or commit suicide if anything bad goes wrong in our relationship.. But I guess I will cry so much every night and every moment that I think of, which happened during out happy times.... I miss him so much..


 I really can't wait til I finally get to move in with him then I will get to see him all the time and be able to sleep beside him every night and wake up with him beside me every morning. 

My Little Chub Chub

I miss my cute little chub chub boyfriend. I don't know what it was that made me fall for him, or why I fell for him out of the many other boys out there. After being together for nearly 21 months, going long-distance, I feel that we have been together for wayyy longer than that. I feel so close to him. Although we only get to see each other once a month -whether it's one week a month or one and a half day a month, I love to spend every second and every moment with him. Happy or sad. I don't know what it was that makes me feel so close and comfortable around him, but what I do know, is that I have definitely fallen for this boy :)


My cute little chub chub may be, fat, short, old, chubby, have a big belly, have a double chin and even have man boobs! :O and he sleeps a lot and eats a lot but to me, he will always be perfect to me. He's just so damn adorable no matter how fat or chubby he is. With all those "negatives", I don't know why I love this boy. But I do. Sometimes I think to myself, 'Why did I choose this little chubby boy to be my boyfriend?' I don't know why, but I'm very glad he is mine.


I never thought I'd end up loving someone who isn't the typical "prince charming". I had always wanted a guy who was taller than me, older than me by a couple of years (not 6 years hehe), slim or a fit build and to have great style. Right now, my boyfriend doesn't fit in any of those categories but there's something about him that I love no matter what his appearance is. I know that he accepts all my flaws and still loves me and cares for me (without always showing it directly *sad face*). 


He has taught me the meaning of "love". That love isn't based on looks and charm. But it is based on your heart and mind which allows you to accept the other person for who they are and what they are without any discrimination or judgement. That's what I love about him. No matter how many flaws I've got, he will always love me and be there for me and in return, I will always love him no matter what his flaws are or his appearance becomes to be.


I may not be able to wear high heels when I am around him or with him (although he doesn't mind his girlfriend being taller than him) but I don't want to seem like I'm dating my younger brother? Haha so I guess I'll have to sacrifice a little just for him. Not that I wear high heels that often anyways... Hehe. 


Whenever I just sit there and look at my boyfriend, it make me smile. He's so cute and adorable in every way. To me, he seems like a little child doing whatever he's doing. He's so damn cute and adorable. His cheeks are so cute and chubby -and not only that, but they are ever so soft and so irresistibly kissable hehe.


Of course, I do not wish to see my cute honey to get any fatter or chubbier, cos I don't want him to be fat and short hehe but no matter what, he will always be the apple of my eye. I don't know why I chose him and how I fell so deeply for him, but what I do know, is that it's hard to find someone who is "perfect" and to find someone who loves you for you.




I love you, my cute little chub chub!!! ♥

No Invitation!

From a girl's perspective, if  one of your (close) male friend/family member/colleague EVER touched you in an inappropriate way, what would you do and how would you respond?


I know someone who recently has been in that position. Let's call the girl, Juliet and the boy, Peter. So Juliet was attempting to take a photo on the floor of an item, on her knees, bending down with her butt up (not in an inviting way or in an intentional way), and Peter was sitting beside her, as she was about to take the photo Peter unexpectedly smacked Juliet's butt. Not only that, but her parents were around too. Juliet smacked Peter and then moved away from Peter to continue to take the photo. 


Juliet felt humiliated and violated, she didn't want to be around him anymore. She went to sleep crying cos she felt that in a way, she had "betrayed" her boyfriend. If she told her boyfriend, she knew that he would go ballistic and would actually go over to Peter's house and "destroy" him for touching his girlfriend's butt. She wanted to tell him, but wanted to keep the peace between the both of them. She 'hated' Peter for doing that but he was also one of her good(?) friends.


I don't understand it. Especially when a girl clearly has a boyfriend, why the hell would a guy friend still attempt to do such thing?? Although both guys aren't exactly what you call "friends" but still, doesn't mean the guy friend can do that. He can't treat her like she's his girlfriend just cos he likes her but she's taken.


This irritates me. I hate men who take advantage of having a close female friend in a sexual way. Especially when she did not ask for it!!! Guys just really need to control themselves!!! ARGGH!!!

Encouragement & Support Needed

I just want someone to teach me how to drive... But there's not a lot of people that I know that I can actually get to teach me. They either don't have a car or too busy. 


But whenever I mention the topic "driving" to my boyfriend, it always goes wrong. Like I dunno. It's like he wants me to learn how to drive and yet, he doesn't want to teach me how to drive... Cos of the fact that I 'can't turn properly'. But that's not a reason to not teach me drive... I mean I need the practice... No one gets something on their first try... Well hardly anyone would anyways. So why can't he just gimme that chance? :/ 


It seems like he'd always put me down when it comes to this topic. I don't like it. I just want some encouragement and support even if he doesn't want to teach me to drive.... It's not that hard is it....? 


I mean, a lot of people have offered to teach me to drive in the past, but I just couldn't be bothered to learn then, I guess now I regret that, and it's too late for that now. Now, my work mate and friend, Meli, is even willing to teach me drive! Like, we haven't even known each other for a year(!) and she automatically says "YES!" to teaching me. Although she hasn't "experience" my learners' driving yet... But at least she's willing... She's my only hope to having someone to teach me how to drive now :( I hope I don't scare her with my crazy turning and braking skills... Haha. 


I just want to be a decent driver by the time it's my birthday and HOPE to get a car so I can drive around and practice at the same time before I get my restricted licence, considering it's been made harder to get :/ All the best to me!! EEK!

Ups & Downs

Yeah, so I haven't been writing  in the blog for ages. Mainly it's cos sometimes I just can't be bothered (haha) and I've been pretty busy with work and studies -oh and how can we forget, busy with life complications in general :/ I should really be doing my essays at this point, but I really can't be bothered and I can't seem to get all these feelings and thoughts off my mind :/ I think I officially have over-thinking-syndrome haha!


Let's start off with work.


Well it's going fine. I'm made to be a 2IC permanently, and the pay is OK -I wouldn't say good. The staff are nice and friendly and easy to get along with. Although sometimes you just can't be bothered with them. Customers are same old. There are rude ones and kind ones. Business isn't so busy lately but during the weekend it is. And we're getting in some pretty awesome stock lately! But I need to save... Cos I'm FINALLY planning on taking driving lessons and buying a car! But we'll see whether that happens or not!


With life, it's all OK. just two more papers to go for this year and I'm all done for uni! I can't wait til I get outta here and graduate -finally!! My plan is to move out and live in AKL as the beautician course that I'm planning on doing is there, and at the same time, my man lives and works there and so does a few of my relatives and close friends so it would be good to move there. Then again, the stupid traffic there is pretty hectic and I wouldn't really want to go out in that craziness without a tour guide! Haha. But I'm sure I'd get use to it if I live there for a long time. Which now leads me to my love life!


Everything is going fine with me and K. We've had a great Christmas together with friends at Foxton Beach and had a great Valentines Day together and I even got to spend two weeks in AKL with him to celebrate Valentine's Day and his birthday! This year with him, has been great so far! But there are definitely some low lights in this relationship! 


Sometimes, I feel that he doesn't care or love me that much. I feel that from the beginning of our relationship to now, I feel that there is a huge gap of love and care from him. At the start of the relationship, he was ever so caring towards me and it seemed like he couldn't live without me -OK maybe I'm over exaggerating a bit too much but you know, somewhere along those lines anyways. And now, maybe it's cos he's use to the whole 'distant relationship' thing, he doesn't really care? I know that it's always at the beginning of the relationship, both sides are all lovey-dovey towards each other and that love-dovey-ness will soon die out slowly. Which is what is happening in my case as well. 


I can feel that he loves and cares for me at times, but sometimes, I get this real "cold" vibe from him. Like suddenly you feel that you're no longer his girlfriend, or that he is somehow distancing himself away from you. This gotta be the worse feeling to ever have when you're in a relationship! It's either that or that it feels like that  he doesn't seem to be putting me in his #1 spot. I know this sounds very selfish and greedy but you know, I just want to be number one in his heart. I know his family will always be number one. But honestly. besides them, it feels like I'm last on the list from all the other stuff.


Yesterday I asked if he could book me a flight to AKL for my cousin's graduation. He didn't really respond with a yes or no. Before, around the beginning of our relationship, he would say "Yes!" straight away and actually go do it! Now? He sorta just let it go... Did his own stuff and THEN went to check online or attempt to go buy it at the end of the night. And the result? It got sold out. Now there are not only no cheap tickets, there are absolutely no flights available on that day!!! That got me so angry!!! I don't know why he is like this, but it feels like, my stuff just doesn't seem important to him, or that if things have got nothing to do with him or involving him, he just won't give a damn about it. 


It's quite depressing.....


Maybe I need to learn not to depend on him so much now. I use to rely on myself, but I thought having another half, would help out. But I guess I was wrong. 


He's honestly a very good guy and all. But pretty much 99% of the time, I have no idea what he is thinking about and what he is doing. I mean I obviously don't need him to report back to me every 5mins or something. Just once in a while will do. I want to know how he feels, it seems to me, that I'm the emotional one in this relationship, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I keep expressing to him how I feel, but I never really get a response out of him. He says he loves me and he misses me heaps but I honestly don't know whether he is just saying it and not actually meaning it...... It's very unfair to think like that. He may indeed be dying inside and not telling it to anyone, but really? I'm your girlfriend. I'm not going to laugh at you or look down on you just cos you've expressed your deepest thoughts or feelings!


I don't know. Maybe this is just how guys are. Refusing to speak out about their feelings and all. 


I feel tired enough as I am. I think it is time for me to stop trying so much in this relationship. Stop putting him first in my mind... Although he'll always be first in my mind... But I gotta be like him, and not show it. I gotta let things fall into place, I guess.... I really do hope this relationship will last... I really do... 

Work Sucks!!!

Seriously, I hate working with my now-pregnant manager. Like seriously, she's so lazy. She makes you do everything and like complains about this and that not being well done, and like blames stuff on you -just because. Like, today after work, she was like, "Oh you've got to make sure all the [clothing] garments are together in the same colour. Cos Q, I know that you want to get out exactly at 5.30pm and you don't do it properly." And you know what? It F&*%ed me off. I didn't say anything to her, cos like normal, I don't want to cause conflict at work. But seriously?? Who wouldn't want to get on on time?? Especially when we DON'T get paid for over time work AND we have to do 10x more than other stores would have to.


Not only that, but she seriously does nothing. Besides stand there and talk to customers or her friends that come into the store, takes like 45mins breaks when she's on her 30mins break and the same with her 10mins break -taking 15-20mins, does her OWN set tasks for the store (sometimes she even makes/asks you to do it for her) or make you go do the put-backs when you're clearly serving customers at the counter, while SHE takes your place at the counter and you have to go do the put-backs. I mean what the hell is wrong with her?? She definitely does not even deserve to be the manager. Like, at one point, she sucks up to us sales assistants, saying she helps us voice our problems at work to the Head Office, then the next minute, she's the one complaining about this and that and makes you do this and that or help her with this and that, when clearly, she's capable of doing it herself -on her own!


Don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on the pregnant woman or anything. She's been like this since day 1 when I started working there. She's seriously so rude too, sometimes. Like we have this new girl who's sort of recently started working at our stores. And she doesn't want her to work on the Monday 10th with her, cos we're doing merchandising and wants me to swap shifts with the new girl.  She even said that she's "f&^%ing useless." I mean like, seriously?? Has she ever thought about how freakin' useless she is sometimes?? Or the fact that she's freakin' lazy as well?? She's just so mean. Just because she's got no one to do all the jobs FOR her, so that she can leave on time or earlier, when the new girl is working, doesn't give her the freakin' right to say such nasty things about her!!! She's so cruel. I seriously cannot wait till she's on her maternity leave and then steps down from being the store manager. She seriously, doesn't deserve that position.  


I absolutely hate working with her. She makes me dread going to work. She's fine when it's like outside of work or when work is over.  Otherwise, she's all about criticizing people and demanding them to do this and that. I really don't like her working ethics.

Jealousy

So me and my mom were talking about my boyfriend. I jokingly said to her that "he is your son in-law" and she then asked me, if I was 100% certain that he's "The One". I said yes. But then she just like you know, say the usual thing to assure me, like most mother's would. She just like said that since he's very easily to get jealous (referring to his jealousy over my guy BFF, R), he might you know, cause major conflict when we're living together. Like he'd be guarding me and acting very very over protective etc. And it would be like as if I have no freedom. And whether or not I'll be able to put up with it for the rest of my life.  


She says, if he got over the 'R issue', there will still be other guys, going in and out of my life. And obviously he's going to get jealous at some point if I get close to another guy. So it'll just be a cycle. 


When I think about it, it's kind of true. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love K to death!!! But he does have an issue with some of the guys that I hang out with and all. Right now, it's my guy BFF, R. And he's always sounding very upset or just unhappy whenever his name is mentioned. He always over-thinks whenever I talk to my BFF or text him etc. He keeps thinking that I'll cheat on him with my BFF. Which is obviously not true. Because I'm clearly not attracted to my BFF that way. Although my BFF does like me more than a friend. Which is probably why, my boyfriend has gone even more protective over me, whenever R is around or when I'm talking to him or about him.


I don't want to be stuck in a "psycho" relationship. Like where someone controls what you do, when you're coming home, why are you going out, who are you going out with etc. It gets really annoying and frustrating. I mean, K really needs to learn to trust me. He keeps saying he does, but it just doesn't feel like he does trust me, whenever I bring up R's name :/


He's really a great boyfriend, but he's just got that so-called 'flaw' and it does bother me a lot. I mean a little bit of jealousy is totally OK, but like just OVER the top kind of jealousy is totally unnecessary. I love him to death and want to be with him forever, cos he is definitely the "perfect" guy for me. He treats me well and all. Just that jealousy part, gets to me at times when it happens. I really do hope that he will learn to trust me more, when it comes to me hanging out with guy friends in future. I want him to loosen up a bit and not having to want to go out with me all the time if I'm going to be with guys etc.