Re: 2nd Anniversary

So it's been two days since our 2nd anniversary and I still haven't received his gift to me yet. I also found out on the day of our anniversary that he hadn't even written in the card yet.... I initially thought that he had written in it in the morning as it was left on the table with all his pens around it. Then to find out at the end of the night that he had not even written in it... It was like a stab to the heart...

We didn't do anything exciting for our anniversary. We only went out for lunch with 2 of his friends and then shopped a bit, had coffee then went back to his place. We sort of did our own separate things. He watched TV and I watched dramas on his laptop. We ended up cuddling up together an hour or so later and then he went to cook dinner for us. It was great. we had raw salmon, grilled scallops with salad and out main with grilled salmon with salad and for dessert we had this oven baked berry and apple tart. It was a good night. But at the same time, it was all the same. It was pretty much what we always did whenever he came back to PN. There was absolutely nothing special about the day.. OUR day... 

Despite that day, the NEXT day he went to get his windscreen fixed so he couldn't come over and see me as it took 4 hours to get it fixed. So we both stayed home pretty much. I don't know, but I just felt very upset. Cos the night before he told me that he would walk over to my place after he dropped off his car. But in the end he walked back to his place... 

The stuff he does, makes me feel like he doesn't want to be with me. At least not until he knows that I am unhappy with him and he knows it. Whenever he knows that  I'm unhappy with him, he says all this sweet stuff to me, and tells me how much he misses me and wants to see me. In the end, I just think it's all too late for that. I know he loves me, but the effort that he puts into this relationship, just doesn't seem enough.

Even my mum knows that I want to make the most out of our time together when he's  back. But no, he doesn't seem to care... It's not his usual "cold" vibe that he gives you, it's more of his attitude or personality -I don't know. Just he doesn't put enough effort into this and it makes me feel very sad.... 

It goes to the point where I want to give up this relationship or re-think everything between us. Whether it was right from the start. He was great at the start of our relationship as any other normal relationships starts off with. But it's only been 2 years!!! And he's already getting a little TOO comfy in this relationship. He hardly spoils me or gets me something out of the blue. And now, it's our anniversary and he hasn't even mentioned giving me my gift yet and he hasn't even written in the card yet... it's pretty depressing...

I guess my mum has a point when she said that it's not about how many years you've been together, it's about whether the two people have that kind of "interest" of surprising each other and just making them happy, just because. Mine use to do that, but now he doesn't... So it's like, if we do happen to move in together next year, then our relationship would be the equivalent to a married couple with kids... Nothing exciting.. And that would only be our 3rd year together next year... And.. I don't want our "spark" to blow out......... I still do truly love him but there are the little things which he does, that makes me doubt everything... 

His "Super" Ex-Girlfriend

Ok, so maybe the "super" is a little bit TOO over exaggerating, but to be honest, she does seem pretttyyy super to me...

So I was just going through my boyfriend's pictures in his laptop last night (yes, with him beside me too). And I once again, came across the "Anita" folder. This time, when I opened it, it seemed to me not only were there more pictures, there were wedding photos of her and her husband. I don't know when they got married, but like seriously? What. The. Fcuk. Are those pictures doing in there? I mean looking at them through Facebook and all is fine, but saving them into the "Anita" folder, is not cool... 

On the positive side, she looked amazing in those photos, but on the negative side, it was like what the hell?!! I know she was his most memorable relationship (before me) but really?? "stalking" her life/photos and saving them, is NOT OK! >:/ I've also noticed that some of the photos seemed like she was in NZ but I'm not sure whether they were from way back when she was with him/living in NZ or whether it was after she got married then came back to NZ. 

But what can I do? Nothing. He says he's over her, then why are those "new" pics there?? I don't know if he'll ever really get over her. I don't know whether he ever compares me to her. Maybe he thinks I'm more childish than her (as I am younger than both of them). And I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but she sort of DOES look like me, which is kinda freaky. She wears glasses, has a round face (except my jawline is a tad stronger and square-ish lol) and yeah.... Sort of does look like me.... Which is NOT good....

I don't want to be over thinking about this, but I can't help it. There's so many questions that I want to ask him, but I don't think I should cos it's  a "sensitive" topic to him. I know that they still keep in contact but I don't know whether they have seen each other since she left him and/or since she got married. Oh all these questions in my head.............. :/

2nd Anniversary

YAY! Today is me and my boyfriend's 2nd anniversary! I can't believe it's been 2 years already. It sort of feels like we've been together for more than that. I don't know why, even though we're doing it long distance and we hardly get to see each other for long. Maybe it's cos I feel so close to him.... :) He's honestly a  great guy.

But the thing is, it sort of doesn't really feel that special this year... I think it's cos it's not our first anniversary and we're not making that much of a big deal out of it, like we did for our first. To me, every special occasion deserves a hint of nerves and surprises. Like, I don't feel nervous (like I normally would cos it's a special day) and it just feels like just another day.... Which is pretty sad. He hasn't even said "Happy Anniversary" to me yet this morning. At this time, last year he would've said it the first thing as he woke up. But not this year....

I don't want this kind of "surprise" and "excitement" in our relationship to fizz away that quickly... I mean, other couples still have huge surprises after being together for ages! (And yes I know I shouldn't compare my relationship to others, but it comes to the point where I can't help it...). For example, the couple that I've been "following" on Instagram, Arnold and Heart, they've just recently had their 6th anniversary and Arnold took her out for dinner and got her something nice. I've also noticed for Valentine's Day, Arnold ASKED her (Heart) to be his Valentine although it would be obvious what her answer would be, and he would also get her flowers and gifts (when asking). Which I think is really sweet. 

Me and K has only been together for 2 years, and I see no "excitement" or surprises coming up... Imagine what we'd be like and what we'd be doing on our 6th anniversary.... He said before that it's only our second anniversary, so no need to go all out on the gifts like we did on our first one. That, I didn't mind. But not having some sort of "special" plans for the day and all, kinda makes me feel sad..... Maybe I should say something to him, but I don't want myself to sound like "the high expectations girlfriend"..... :/ I've had my work mates asking me if my boyfriend has something "special" planned, and I reply, "not sure" or "don't know" with a smile. Cos deep down, I know there is nothing planned really.....

I know we're both trying to save for next year, as we're planning on moving in together, but sometimes, things happens only once, and if you miss out, then you miss out. I know anniversaries happen every year (if nothing bad happens) but still... Make every one (anniversary) special and memorable... It doesn't have to be al about money, but I just want the day to be a LITTLE bit different to the many other days in the year....

High Standards

So it's nearly me and K's 2 year anniversary (yay) and I have sort of found him something BUT I just need to get it all sorted and arrange this and that so his gift will be completed in time! Hehe. But for him.. I think he's stuck... He says nothing is up to my standards... (aww I'm sorry, honey)


I know he wants to get me something good but knowing me, I am a little on the fussy side... 


Last year for my 21st birthday he got me a GUESS bag. Don't get me wrong. I love it. But it wasn't the one that I wanted... It was the same print but just a different style... I admit.. I kind of complained about it to him but I've learnt to accept his gift and now I use it pretty much every day and all the time. 

I perhaps didn't realize how much I had hurt his feelings deep down by complaining about it. But honestly, I wasn't like in-your-face complaining. Just saying that it wasn't exactly the one I wanted. And so this year I guess he just doesn't want to get another gift that will "disappoint" me... :/ eek! Sorry, honey! I didn't mean to! I still love you hehe.

I can't wait til our 2 year anniversary!! I've been waiting so long.......... hahaha it feels like we have been together for way longer than 2 years yet we have hardly seen each other like a "normal" couple. Awww I love that boy hehe he makes me gush! >▽< 　♥

Most Adorable Couples -Ever!!

So it's been a while since I have blogged and I duno, I've just been lazy I guess haha.

Recently while I was browsing through YouTube channels, I came across this beauty video by ThatsHeart. I don't know what drew me to her and her videos, but after watching a few of her videos which (some) features her boyfriend in them. I realised how much of an ADORABLE couple they are! 

They are so sweet, funny and just too damn cute together. I'm addicted to their videos (they both have YouTube channels) especially the ones where both of them are in it. They've been together for like 6 years!!! Like oh my gosh! So long! Yet they are still very loving and caring towards each other. When you watch their videos that they make together, it makes you feel that "love never dies" in their relationship. They make us all so envious of their perfect relationship :) 

Watching these videos makes me wish me and my boyfriend could be like that. I'm not saying me and my boyfriend don't have the perfect relationship, but it's just that we live so far apart.... And makes me miss all the "couple things" that other couples can do. 

Although our plan is to move in together (yet the couples Heart and Arnold hasn't even moved in together after so many years of being together!) next year, it feels like it's still a long wait. Somehow I have a feeling at some point we will have this huge argument about (you guessed it) money. I guess that's the main reason couples fight when they move in together. But I surely do not hope that will be the case with us. 

Anyways! I just miss that boy! He's coming back this weekend! Yay! Hehe. For the meantime, you can check out this video from Arnold's channel featuring his beautiful girlfriend, Heart! Enjoy! :)

Sleep VS Girlfriend

Tell me if I'm wrong. 


Your relationship is a long-distance one, you guys hardly ever get to chat whether it's online, voice-calling or texting because both of you are either working or busy with something else (e.g. Uni) so neither of you have that time. Although you text during the day whenever you guys can. When it's night time, you guys talk on the phone for a decent amount of time to catch up on each others days and all but no. Your gf/bf decides to be all sleepy and tired when you have been in the same situation or that they have slept earlier and longer than you and yet they are still tired and insists on sleeping and yawns at about 5x per 10mins. 


Yes, being sleepy and tired is fine. I accept that. But NOT listening to what they have to say to you is plain rude and annoying! Yes I get that you are tired and sleepy but at least listen to what I say!!! If you wanted to sleep, then you shouldn't of have called!!! 


What is the freakin' point in calling when you don't intend to talk longer than freakin' 10mins?? And after that you start your yawning sessions and practically do not even bother with what the other person says??


If that's the case, I prefer my boyfriend to not call me at night if he is "sleepy and tired" or if he is planning on sleeping soon. The convo would just be pointless. It would be better if we just stayed chatting via texting that voice-calling. 


There are guys who are "gamers" and guys who are "sleepers". They will all eventually lose their girlfriend's cos they either game too much or sleep too much. 


The point in having a girlfriend is to spend time with them and spoil them with love and care. Not freakin' sleep or game!!! If you want to do that, then you might as well be single. Cos there'll be no one that needs your care and love  or you "precious" gaming or sleeping time to be wasted on them.

Feeling the Distance

I'm starting to feel the distance in my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. I don't know what it is, but I feel that we're not as close as we use to be. Maybe it's cos whenever he's working, so am I. Or when he's working, I'm not vice versa. As a result, we can't text each other or leave each other messages cos either one of us are busy or both are busy.


Sometimes, it feels like I'm the one with no like, spamming him with texts and he never really spams me... Like the most texts that he's ever sent/spammed me with was like 10 probably. Whenever we talk on the phone at night, he's always too tired or sleepy to talk cos he's got work  early in the morning the next day, so we eventually only talk for a short time. When we talk, it's pretty much full of nothing..... I don't even know what we talk about...

It feels so meaningless. 


I still love him heaps. But this distance between us is in a way causing some fights and arguments which isn't what I want... But it just happens.... I don't know whether it's just me or what. Maybe it's cos of the lack of communication this month, but I don't know.... 


At times I wonder to myself whether this relationship will last if it continues to be like this. I want it to continue but it feels like we hardly talk to each other and it's not longer that fun. I wonder to myself whether this whole thing has become a daily routine. Like, wake up, text "good morning" etc and continue texting and everything else we do.


I feel kinda sad whenever I think about this. But what can I do? I can't tell him. I don't want to have another heart-to-heart talk with him. I feel like I'm the crazy girlfriend who over thinks too much and has so many problems? :/ 


I can feel that he feels the same way about me, but sometimes, when he does text me or call me, the way he speaks to me, isn't the same as we use to talk. It's more simple and blah. When I look back at the texts that he's sent me from way back, like in 2011 (at this time, May), his texts are so much sweeter and draws me closer to him, and still makes me smile just re-reading them again.


There is a huge difference between last year and this year.......... And it's only been 21 months since we've been together. Not even 2 years yet. I want to be with him... But I guess these are the obstacles that we have to go through in order to be together.... I think.......... I dunno. I can't even sleep properly now. Every night I roll around in bed, thinking about him, and everything else that comes into mind. Even my head is feeling a bit dizzy and headache-y now. I don't know what's wrong with me... :/

BF vs BFF

My boyfriend finally found out about the incident of my (male) BFF smacking my butt... Not that I was intentionally supposed to tell him but he asked, and it's so hard to lie to him. 


I found out from my BFF that straight after we hung up, he had texted my BFF saying that his behavior is totally unacceptable and that smacking someone's butt is still considered as a form of sexual harassment, that Q does not like it and that next time we will get my parents involved as well as the police. 


My BFF didn't think much of it but he doesn't like threats or whatever. He responded to my BF that, "Even if I did sexually harass her, it wouldn't be in front of you." Like oh my God!!! Is he serious?? Why would you say that to a girl's boyfriend?? O_____O

Later on in the night, BFF tells me that he even pulled out the "ex-girlfriend" card on my BF!! Cos apparently my BF said to him that, he hopes his (BFF) girlfriend in the future will get sexually harassed too. So BFF replied saying that he (BF) had 5 girlfriends and they had all dumped him. So he's the one who's getting what comes around goes around. I was SO shocked to hear that!!! Cos I know that having his ex's brought up is like a weakness to my boyfriend. 


I feel bad for my boyfriend. Not only was he actually trying to stand up for me and to show that he cares, but he literally got cake mushed in his face :/ poor Honey :( I hope he is OK. 


To be honest, BFF doesn't even remember that he smacked my butt!! Like he has no memory of it and said that he hasn't "done anything wrong in a long time" so like, what? Smacking my butt was "fun" and not sexual harassment or something?? Cos it sure didn't feel like it! 


In the end, BFF says that he black listed my BF and that now he definitely does NOT want to see my BF at all! They were never really friends in the first place. Especially not after the first time my boyfriend witnessed BFF smacking my butt.... That was when my BF sorta declared war on BFF... He just hates that guy and now I guess BFF hates him too, saying that he's lame, sending him stupid threats and involving police and all.


Seriously though, I do think BFF needs to control his hands/actions!!! I mean I don't see him doing it to other girls, so why the hell is he doing it to me? Yeah well, he never answered that question when I asked... :/ He's actually a very good friend and person, but sometimes he gets a little too comfortable and says pretty sexual or inappropriate stuff and uses his actions too, which is the worst in him. Hope he changes that.... 

Age Gap

I got asked today about whether, I have thought about breaking up or ending my relationship with my cute little chub chub because of our age gap and our different set of interests. I was like *GASP!!!* Of course I never thought about breaking up with him or ending it with him!!! I love him to death!!!


The person who asked me then said, "Well, he's quite old and like when you guys move in and you want to go out and party, he'd be like 'Na. Don't go out and spend time with me instead' or that he has to sleep early cos of work, leaving me all alone while he sleeps. But to me, that doesn't matter because I know we will both work things out and he isn't that stubborn (unlike me haha). He's very understanding although he does like to set out a few rules and boundaries. It's not like I mind. 


It's better that he has his own thoughts and opinions rather than always having to listen to mine or whatever. We're both equal in our relationship. It's like, if either of us has a point, then we listen to it or follow it, if one of us doesn't have a point, then we obviously choose to ignore and do it our own way. 


Yeah we have arguments and all like most couples do, but we have made a promise to not allow any of our arguments and all for more than 24 hours as we both want to start fresh. PLUS, he's always the one to come and apologize first. So what have I go to complain about? He's just so damn sweet and adorable like that. He's so forgiving and has such a big heart. So why would I even think about ending things with such a sweet guy? 


Just because he's 6 years my senior, doesn't mean that there will be anything that will come between us, socially or whatever else other may think of. Our love is strong enough to go through anything that intends to pull us apart or any tests that we may have to face in the future. I love him for who he is, and I know he loves me for who I am. So why should I think about such absurd things? I don't want to ever end this amazing relationship that we have built up so far. He means the world to me :')

Going Back Again

It's only been a day since he left for Auckland again. Yet, I still miss him like mad and think about everything that we had done the past week that he had been here.... I really hate it when he has to go back.... :( I know we've been doing this for nearly 21 months, him coming down to see me every month and then having to go back in a short time. But no matter how long or short the time that he has spent here with me, I know I know I should be use to the whole cycle already.. But in fact, I'm not.. And I don't think I ever will be use to seeing him go.... :(


I don't know why I get so emotional... I know I do love him heaps and never want to see him go, but I've been told to be a little more mature about it. To not get so emotional and always expressing to my family how much I love and miss him. I can't help it.... I just miss that boy so much and want to see him more often than I see him now... I mean seeing him every weekend would be fine with me... But we both lost that chance.


He could've been transferred to Wellington for work. But it got declined and at the same time, I did and didn't want him to. I did cos I do want to see him and I didn't was because I thought that I would get sick of him if I saw him every weekend. But now it's too late as I now know that I would never get sick of him no matter how much I see him. I regret for hoping that he won't be transferred to Wellington.. But there is nothing we can do about it now.. 


I don't understand how guys are able to hold in their feelings so well. Whenever I cry, he comforts me by saying that I shouldn't cry cos then I won't be pretty. He makes me smile so much, even when typing out this makes my eyes fill up with tears... I have a feeling that he does want to cry too but just not in front of me. But sometimes I wish he would show some emotion that he's sad to leave as well. I know he's sad but I want him to show it... 


My mum tells me that he is mature about love and that I should learn that from him as well. I don't know, but I just can't. He is my first and only love. It's so hard on me... I know I will feel better after a few days or a week... I try to tell myself to be more brave and less emotional like him, but I just can't... I want to express all this feeling inside me to him, but I don't want to seem like a crazy emotional girlfriend that seems like she can't live without him. I just miss him so much and want to see him after work or every weekend... I know that I won't be the type of person who will jump off the cliff or commit suicide if anything bad goes wrong in our relationship.. But I guess I will cry so much every night and every moment that I think of, which happened during out happy times.... I miss him so much..


 I really can't wait til I finally get to move in with him then I will get to see him all the time and be able to sleep beside him every night and wake up with him beside me every morning. 

My Little Chub Chub

I miss my cute little chub chub boyfriend. I don't know what it was that made me fall for him, or why I fell for him out of the many other boys out there. After being together for nearly 21 months, going long-distance, I feel that we have been together for wayyy longer than that. I feel so close to him. Although we only get to see each other once a month -whether it's one week a month or one and a half day a month, I love to spend every second and every moment with him. Happy or sad. I don't know what it was that makes me feel so close and comfortable around him, but what I do know, is that I have definitely fallen for this boy :)


My cute little chub chub may be, fat, short, old, chubby, have a big belly, have a double chin and even have man boobs! :O and he sleeps a lot and eats a lot but to me, he will always be perfect to me. He's just so damn adorable no matter how fat or chubby he is. With all those "negatives", I don't know why I love this boy. But I do. Sometimes I think to myself, 'Why did I choose this little chubby boy to be my boyfriend?' I don't know why, but I'm very glad he is mine.


I never thought I'd end up loving someone who isn't the typical "prince charming". I had always wanted a guy who was taller than me, older than me by a couple of years (not 6 years hehe), slim or a fit build and to have great style. Right now, my boyfriend doesn't fit in any of those categories but there's something about him that I love no matter what his appearance is. I know that he accepts all my flaws and still loves me and cares for me (without always showing it directly *sad face*). 


He has taught me the meaning of "love". That love isn't based on looks and charm. But it is based on your heart and mind which allows you to accept the other person for who they are and what they are without any discrimination or judgement. That's what I love about him. No matter how many flaws I've got, he will always love me and be there for me and in return, I will always love him no matter what his flaws are or his appearance becomes to be.


I may not be able to wear high heels when I am around him or with him (although he doesn't mind his girlfriend being taller than him) but I don't want to seem like I'm dating my younger brother? Haha so I guess I'll have to sacrifice a little just for him. Not that I wear high heels that often anyways... Hehe. 


Whenever I just sit there and look at my boyfriend, it make me smile. He's so cute and adorable in every way. To me, he seems like a little child doing whatever he's doing. He's so damn cute and adorable. His cheeks are so cute and chubby -and not only that, but they are ever so soft and so irresistibly kissable hehe.


Of course, I do not wish to see my cute honey to get any fatter or chubbier, cos I don't want him to be fat and short hehe but no matter what, he will always be the apple of my eye. I don't know why I chose him and how I fell so deeply for him, but what I do know, is that it's hard to find someone who is "perfect" and to find someone who loves you for you.




I love you, my cute little chub chub!!! ♥

No Invitation!

From a girl's perspective, if  one of your (close) male friend/family member/colleague EVER touched you in an inappropriate way, what would you do and how would you respond?


I know someone who recently has been in that position. Let's call the girl, Juliet and the boy, Peter. So Juliet was attempting to take a photo on the floor of an item, on her knees, bending down with her butt up (not in an inviting way or in an intentional way), and Peter was sitting beside her, as she was about to take the photo Peter unexpectedly smacked Juliet's butt. Not only that, but her parents were around too. Juliet smacked Peter and then moved away from Peter to continue to take the photo. 


Juliet felt humiliated and violated, she didn't want to be around him anymore. She went to sleep crying cos she felt that in a way, she had "betrayed" her boyfriend. If she told her boyfriend, she knew that he would go ballistic and would actually go over to Peter's house and "destroy" him for touching his girlfriend's butt. She wanted to tell him, but wanted to keep the peace between the both of them. She 'hated' Peter for doing that but he was also one of her good(?) friends.


I don't understand it. Especially when a girl clearly has a boyfriend, why the hell would a guy friend still attempt to do such thing?? Although both guys aren't exactly what you call "friends" but still, doesn't mean the guy friend can do that. He can't treat her like she's his girlfriend just cos he likes her but she's taken.


This irritates me. I hate men who take advantage of having a close female friend in a sexual way. Especially when she did not ask for it!!! Guys just really need to control themselves!!! ARGGH!!!

Encouragement & Support Needed

I just want someone to teach me how to drive... But there's not a lot of people that I know that I can actually get to teach me. They either don't have a car or too busy. 


But whenever I mention the topic "driving" to my boyfriend, it always goes wrong. Like I dunno. It's like he wants me to learn how to drive and yet, he doesn't want to teach me how to drive... Cos of the fact that I 'can't turn properly'. But that's not a reason to not teach me drive... I mean I need the practice... No one gets something on their first try... Well hardly anyone would anyways. So why can't he just gimme that chance? :/ 


It seems like he'd always put me down when it comes to this topic. I don't like it. I just want some encouragement and support even if he doesn't want to teach me to drive.... It's not that hard is it....? 


I mean, a lot of people have offered to teach me to drive in the past, but I just couldn't be bothered to learn then, I guess now I regret that, and it's too late for that now. Now, my work mate and friend, Meli, is even willing to teach me drive! Like, we haven't even known each other for a year(!) and she automatically says "YES!" to teaching me. Although she hasn't "experience" my learners' driving yet... But at least she's willing... She's my only hope to having someone to teach me how to drive now :( I hope I don't scare her with my crazy turning and braking skills... Haha. 


I just want to be a decent driver by the time it's my birthday and HOPE to get a car so I can drive around and practice at the same time before I get my restricted licence, considering it's been made harder to get :/ All the best to me!! EEK!

Ups & Downs

Yeah, so I haven't been writing  in the blog for ages. Mainly it's cos sometimes I just can't be bothered (haha) and I've been pretty busy with work and studies -oh and how can we forget, busy with life complications in general :/ I should really be doing my essays at this point, but I really can't be bothered and I can't seem to get all these feelings and thoughts off my mind :/ I think I officially have over-thinking-syndrome haha!


Let's start off with work.


Well it's going fine. I'm made to be a 2IC permanently, and the pay is OK -I wouldn't say good. The staff are nice and friendly and easy to get along with. Although sometimes you just can't be bothered with them. Customers are same old. There are rude ones and kind ones. Business isn't so busy lately but during the weekend it is. And we're getting in some pretty awesome stock lately! But I need to save... Cos I'm FINALLY planning on taking driving lessons and buying a car! But we'll see whether that happens or not!


With life, it's all OK. just two more papers to go for this year and I'm all done for uni! I can't wait til I get outta here and graduate -finally!! My plan is to move out and live in AKL as the beautician course that I'm planning on doing is there, and at the same time, my man lives and works there and so does a few of my relatives and close friends so it would be good to move there. Then again, the stupid traffic there is pretty hectic and I wouldn't really want to go out in that craziness without a tour guide! Haha. But I'm sure I'd get use to it if I live there for a long time. Which now leads me to my love life!


Everything is going fine with me and K. We've had a great Christmas together with friends at Foxton Beach and had a great Valentines Day together and I even got to spend two weeks in AKL with him to celebrate Valentine's Day and his birthday! This year with him, has been great so far! But there are definitely some low lights in this relationship! 


Sometimes, I feel that he doesn't care or love me that much. I feel that from the beginning of our relationship to now, I feel that there is a huge gap of love and care from him. At the start of the relationship, he was ever so caring towards me and it seemed like he couldn't live without me -OK maybe I'm over exaggerating a bit too much but you know, somewhere along those lines anyways. And now, maybe it's cos he's use to the whole 'distant relationship' thing, he doesn't really care? I know that it's always at the beginning of the relationship, both sides are all lovey-dovey towards each other and that love-dovey-ness will soon die out slowly. Which is what is happening in my case as well. 


I can feel that he loves and cares for me at times, but sometimes, I get this real "cold" vibe from him. Like suddenly you feel that you're no longer his girlfriend, or that he is somehow distancing himself away from you. This gotta be the worse feeling to ever have when you're in a relationship! It's either that or that it feels like that  he doesn't seem to be putting me in his #1 spot. I know this sounds very selfish and greedy but you know, I just want to be number one in his heart. I know his family will always be number one. But honestly. besides them, it feels like I'm last on the list from all the other stuff.


Yesterday I asked if he could book me a flight to AKL for my cousin's graduation. He didn't really respond with a yes or no. Before, around the beginning of our relationship, he would say "Yes!" straight away and actually go do it! Now? He sorta just let it go... Did his own stuff and THEN went to check online or attempt to go buy it at the end of the night. And the result? It got sold out. Now there are not only no cheap tickets, there are absolutely no flights available on that day!!! That got me so angry!!! I don't know why he is like this, but it feels like, my stuff just doesn't seem important to him, or that if things have got nothing to do with him or involving him, he just won't give a damn about it. 


It's quite depressing.....


Maybe I need to learn not to depend on him so much now. I use to rely on myself, but I thought having another half, would help out. But I guess I was wrong. 


He's honestly a very good guy and all. But pretty much 99% of the time, I have no idea what he is thinking about and what he is doing. I mean I obviously don't need him to report back to me every 5mins or something. Just once in a while will do. I want to know how he feels, it seems to me, that I'm the emotional one in this relationship, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I keep expressing to him how I feel, but I never really get a response out of him. He says he loves me and he misses me heaps but I honestly don't know whether he is just saying it and not actually meaning it...... It's very unfair to think like that. He may indeed be dying inside and not telling it to anyone, but really? I'm your girlfriend. I'm not going to laugh at you or look down on you just cos you've expressed your deepest thoughts or feelings!


I don't know. Maybe this is just how guys are. Refusing to speak out about their feelings and all. 


I feel tired enough as I am. I think it is time for me to stop trying so much in this relationship. Stop putting him first in my mind... Although he'll always be first in my mind... But I gotta be like him, and not show it. I gotta let things fall into place, I guess.... I really do hope this relationship will last... I really do...