Sunday, September 19, 2010

Like He Don't Care

Just.. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't care about me that much. Maybe it's coz I'm thinking about it too much. Coz I know, deep down, he does care and love me a lot. But then there is that sometimes, where I cannot feel that he loves and cares for me that much... I don't know why... I think this is normal...?

Like, I would love him to text me back as soon as possible. And he says that he will always be there when I'm down. But it seems like, the person who is and will always be there is R... Although I don't have feelings for him. But even as a friend [or a guy that says he loves/likes me] he seems to always be there for me. Texts me back instantly. Like within 5 minutes. That's very impressive. I'm sorry, but I am going to have to compare R to K...

Coz K... Even when he is not working, he seems to text me back soo slowly, and can even manage to text me back after 2 - 3 hours... And I don't know what or why, but I feel that he doesn't seem to think about me as much as he says he does... I mean, what can he be doing, to not be able to text me back, if not instantly, but within 30 minutes at the least... But no.. It's more than that most of the times.. I feel so.. Neglected? At times..

Like today, I was having a hard, stressful, full-on day at work. And I texted him that I was feeling stressed at work. I just wanted that someone to text me back and comfort me. But no... He doesn't even text me back until like 40 minutes. Right after my break ended. I know, he told me he would be having lunch with his friends. But it was like 3pm... Honestly? How hard was it just to text me back and even saying "Aw. Poor you" would've made me feel better. But no. Nothing. Nothing at all until 40 minutes later...

And yet, when I texted R, he replied instantly. Although, I never told him that I was stressed out at work. But still, at least he replied. He replies faster than my own boyfriend. I just don't know what to say... I know my boyfriend has his own things to do, his own friends, his own life. But still... How hard is it, just to text me back...?

Right now.. I just feel very sad and I'm just totally lost for words. And even now.. I am waiting for him to text me back... In a way.. This is such a painful wait... I make excuses for him, on all the reasons of why he can't text me back. But then... It's starting to make me feel like I'm "suffocating" and it's beginning to be harder for me to believe he loves and care for me that much... And that he cannot be there for me when I really need it. Coz when I do need him there for me, he's not there. And when he finally replies, it's like, I have pretty much gotten over that situation.. So in the end.. It's like, I don't really need him or even need to tell him how I feel......

It's true. All these negative thoughts just start entering my head, and I don't want that. But I cannot help it.. I tell myself that I shouldn't out myself or my feelings too deep into this relationship, coz one day, if anything changes between us, and we may have to part ways... It would be me, that would be suffering and be in pain and hurt from this relationship... But I truly love this guy...

I don't want to pressure him into texting me back instantly. But obviously, it would be nice if he could. But I don't want the people around him to think that his world revolves around his girlfriend and then causing him to lose friends and all coz of me. So... Yeah.. I really should loosen up a bit eh? It's very hard though.. I just want to know what he's doing sometimes. Why he's taking forever to text back. And sometimes, I feel the need to purposely, text him back 40 minutes or an hour or so later.... So that he can have a taste of his own medicine. But even when I do... It seems like, he will do the same, text back minutes or hours later...

I don't know what to think right now..

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